"There are a lot of people at Versailles today."

I just finished the book Becoming Marie Antoinette by Juliet Gray, and all I have to say is: WOW.

Okay, so that's not all I have to say.

This book was so delicious. It was magnificently detailed (and I have a love for ridiculous little details like iced tea cakes and satin-ribboned hat rims), had quick pacing, meticulous attention to character development and had that "I don't want to stop reading" quality.

The book starts in Marie Antoinette's childhood in Austria (yeah, a lot of people think she was like, BORN FRENCH. False.) and charts her progress from awkward, uneducated archduchess to poised, coiffured dauphine of France. Gray really gets into the characters' heads, too, which is something I love. I've always felt sympathetic towards Marie Antoinette. She was too young to handle what she got, and she was absolutely in the wrong place at the wrong time. Gray shows this beautifully. You can't help but feel sympathy towards a girl of fourteen who's whisked away from her home, placed in a foreign castle, and expected to be pregnant within a week.

Gray also characterizes other major players, too, like Maria Theresa of Austria, King Louis XV, Madame du Barry, and Louis Auguste. In addition, she fleshes out the minor characters that add depth to the story (the governesses, aunts, hairdressers, dancing instructors, etc.); it gives that feeling of overwhelming crowdiness found in Versailles. She mixes anecdote with fact seamlessly (ex: the story of when Mozart proposed to Marie Antoinette makes an appearance), and gives a highly realistic and factorial picture of Versailles, which is impressive considering it IS a work of fiction.

It reads like fiction, and moves along quickly. Within 300 pages we go from 7 year old Marie Antoinette pranking her governess to the eve of her coronation as queen of France.

It was just SO GOOD. If you love Marie Antoinette, or Versailles, or the 18th century, you absolutely have to read this book. If you're at all disiullusioned with the Hollywood portrayal of Marie Antoinette as a haughty shopaholic or Versailles as a glittering beacon of decadence and debauchery, you should read this book. A lot of historical fiction tends to get really dry and too factual. Either that, or it reaches the other end of the spectrum (wherein Marie Antoinette was actually a lesbian dragon-slayer or something). This is the perfect balance. I also appreciated that the author included a) a works cited list even though it IS fiction, and b) a note at the end detailing where she took creative license and what was actual historical fact.

I am so excited that this is the first part of a trilogy, because you can bet your biscuits I'll be reading the next two!

"It finally answers the question, WHAAT???"

I just finished this book, The Monk, and it would be criminal of me NOT to write about it. I've had the pic of the cover on my sidebar...the one of Satan dragging a monk through the sky by his skull? Yeah, that's the one. I don't really even know how I feel about it...like...whoa. I'll just summarize.

Okay, so this book is about a monk (WHOA, right?). And he's not just like some random monk. He is the HOLIEST guy in Madrid. Like, probably the holiest guy in the whole world save the Pope. Also, this book was written by Protestants who hated Catholics, and really, you can't have a gothic book with Protestants because they're too staunch and no fun. With Catholics you can have all kinds of fun with nuns and abbeys and saints and spirits and stuff.

Well, I'd gathered from the summary of the book and the intro that the story would be based around the Monk's decline from holiness into sin. So naturally I'm like,


The Monk's best (and only) friend in the monastery is Rosario, a noviciate (monk-to-be). He's young and broody and tragic so the Monk feels bad for him. Well, one day, he comes across Rosario crying bitterly and he asks why and Rosario reveals that he is, in fact, A WOMAN! Named MATILDA!


So she's all distressed because the Monk is the only friend she has in the world and she will DEFINITELY be banished for sneaking around the monastery dressed up as a woman. So she's tearing her hair and robes in distress, and the Monk sees her boob. So naturally, he has to sleep with her now because she had SUCH an awesome boob.

So a lot of crap happens and he sleeps with Matilda. But like, not just once. He becomes a raving sex maniac. And within like 3 days, he grows tired of Matilda and wants to see if other women are as awesome in the sack. Luckily for him, because he's the "holiest" guy in Madrid, all the single beautiful women (and their moms and aunts) go to him for confession. So he hears confession from this one girl, Antonia, and he falls desperately in lust with her. And he determines to sleep with her no matter what.

Matilda figures this out and she's like, "yeah, that's cool. I'll help you."

I don't even. But conveniently, it turns out that Matilda is not only a poser-monk and a sex goddess with amazing ta-ta's, but she's also a sorceress. Whee! So she drags the monk into the catacombs (because clearly this is where you need to be to do magic), and leaves him to go into a chamber to summon some demons. She comes back with a silver myrtle branch and tells him that if he breathes 3 times on the myrtle branch and says Antonia's name and then places it under her pillow, she'll fall into a death-like sleep and he'll be able to RAPE HER. AND HE AGREES THAT THIS IS A LEGIT PLAN.

Oh, also, the branch can open any doors. So hooray for that.

So he goes to Antonia's house, breaks in with his magical satanic branch of lechery, and puts her to sleep. And he's just about to do the deed when KNOCK KNOCK, who's there? It's ANTONIA'S MOTHER. And she catches him about to rape her daughter and she's outraged and tries to get help and oust him to the whole city. And then he grabs Antonia's pillow and SMOTHERS THE MOM. To death. In her daughter's bedroom.

Well, then there's some epic descriptions of her eyes bulging out of her head and her skin turning black, so I'm guessing that put him out of the mood. And he runs off leaving the corpse and the sleeping girl in the room.

He returns to Matilda and she's basically like "omg you pussy." And she shows him a magic mirror which reveals Antonia going to take a bath (it's the magical mirror of perversion). And he's overcome with lust again and determines to have Antonia NO MATTER WHAT. So then a bunch of stuff happens, I don't really remember, but eventually he ends up in the catacombs with Matilda again and she's drawing pentagrams and cutting herself and then Satan appears. And the Monk is all like, "This is so not a good idea." And Satan's like, "Nah, I'll help you sleep with Antonia." So then the Monk is like, "Jk, this is cool."

The entire plot of this book happens over the course of like 10 days, btw.

This middle part gets kind of fuzzy because there's two other subplots going on. But eventually, the Monk poisons Antonia, kidnaps her, and takes her down into the catacombs and he does eventually rape her. It's a really horrible scene for a 1700's book. Then, it turns out there are riots in the streets because the Prioress of the adjoining convent tortured and killed a pregnant woman (this book is so insane), so the catacombs are being invaded by insurrectionists. Antonia starts screaming for help, and not wanting to get caught the Monk STABS HER. AFTER RAPING HER.

At this point I'm just like:


So then Matilda comes into the catacombs and they're trapped by the rebels, and they get caught and sent to the Inquisition (another great Catholic thing that wouldn't be as effective if this story had taken place in a Protestant church). They're both put on trial and eventually Matilda confesses and she's sentenced to be burned at the stake. On the night before her execution she shows up in the Monk's cell and he's like, "How did you escape?" and she's like, "I sold my soul to Satan. It's totally awesome! Here's the big book of Satanism if you decide you want to do the same thing." He's like, "WHHHAAATTT??" and then she just disappears, because apparently you can do stuff like that if you have no soul. Or if Satan owns your soul, rather. So the Monk is in torment because he KNOWS he's going to hell anyway, but he doesn't want to abandon the hope of God's mercy entirely. Then the next day he's also sentenced to burn at the stake. And is absolutely terrified of this. So like, 2 seconds before they come to get him, he summons Satan with the book and agrees to sell over his soul in return for escape. Satan also promises him an awesome life full of luxury, but you probably shouldn't believe everything that SATAN tells you.

So after he signs over his soul with his own blood, Satan poofs him away to a cliff. And the Monk's like, "Hold on. Where's Matilda and all the luxury and awesomeness?" And Satan's like, "Lol, jk! Matilda was a demon in disguise and I sent her to be your downfall and lead you to me. And she totally did! Also, just FYI, that girl you raped? She was your sister. And you strangled your mom to death. So, sucks to be you!" I'm just like:


SO THEN, Satan sinks his talons into the Monk's brain (Satan has claws, apparently) and flies him over this rocky cavern where he drops him. And the Monk literally hits every stone on the way down and lands in a bloody pulp at the bottom. And he's paralyzed. And then bugs come and start to eat him alive over the course of a week and an eagle plucks out his eyes. And then a river floods and drowns him.


As I said before, there's a whole nice subplot with the decent man who's in love with Antonia, and his sister who turns out to be the pregnant woman tortured by the evil Prioress. But NONE of that is as shocking as the whole Monk and Matilda bit.

This book is a total HEAD TRIP. I don't even know...like...WHAT. It was extremely well-written, and I think I enjoyed it just because I can imagine what ladies of sensibility did in 1796 upon reading it. It was banned for a while, and I am not surprised. AT ALL. Some of those scenes were really intense and gruesome, even by today's standards. Usually authors of old gloss over those bits but NO. Matthew Lewis (NOT the guy who played Neville Longbottom) goes all out and describes it all in grand and glorious detail.

I just think it's interesting, because really, we haven't changed at all. This was like the 1700's version of the Charlie Sheen meltdown. We still LOVE to read about people who are on top of the world have a MAJOR fall from grace. We love it when seemingly good people go shaved-headed, paparazzi-beating, seven-mistresses, tiger blood and Adonis DNA on us. This is the same thing. Minus a glossy cover and full color photographs.


Overall, I had two reactions:
1. In which my brain is the airplane and the shark is this book.

2.




Do I recommend it? Hmm. I mean, it was really well-written, and I absolutely couldn't put it down. Some parts of it were hysterical because it was just like, "Is this SERIOUSLY happening right now??" Overall, no, I don't think I would because it'd make me look like some kind of sicko. As Bethany put it, "If someone had written that today, they'd be arrested."
Probably.

"For in dreams we enter a world that is entirely our own."

{Photo Credit}

My life has become utterly boring.

I'd like to blame this on a few things:
a) All of my friends are either busy leading real lives or they don't live near enough to me for us to engage in shenanigans
b) I only go to school 1 day a week and work minimal hours at the world's dullest job
c)...I'm sure I had a third reason, but it escapes me at the moment.

This new era in dullness has, unfortunately, seeped its way into my blog. This is why I could never be paid to write. Because one week I'm exploding with ideas and things to say, and the next, I enter into an inescapable dry spell which lasts, in this case, MONTHS.

I didn't even remember to properly celebrate my blog's bday this past January. How sad! I'll celebrate the 1.5 milestone in June, I suppose.

So, what have I been doing? Well, school, generally. Some kickboxing and zumba. Dreaming up ways I'd love to decorate an apartment WHEN I finally get one. Wishing to God I had a degree and could start trying to find a job and be a "real" person. Imagining lesson plans I'd like to teach future students one day far off in the future. Wishing I had an endless source of money and knowing I'd be no happier with it even I did. Wondering how girls like Kate Middleton manage to bag a prince and if there are steps one can take to accomplish the same. ;) Reading. I'm always reading. But at least this semester I'm reading loads of Jane Austen, which feels like pleasure but is actually work. So I'm quite alright with that.

My two favorites remain Pride and Prejudice and Sense and Sensibility. For those of you who've read them, or who might read them, scratch the prince sentiment above: I want Colonel Brandon. :)))

My education courses are teaching me NOTHING (although I did get invited by one girl in my class to a "pleasure party," whereupon I found out that this is a kind of party in which a representative from an "adult emporium" comes to one's house, pedals their wares, and games are played with said wares. It concerns me that this girl will one day be teaching my kids and their friends...), but thankfully, there are plethora of books teaching one how to teach. I will read these later, when I'm finished being a lit major and having massive heaps of required reading.

Speaking of required reading, I think my eyes are going bad. I've had my glasses about four years and all of a sudden, they've stopped working. Which means I can read for about an hour before I get these lovely, skull-splitting headaches. I have an appointment this Thursday. Let's hope I'm not as blind as I sometimes feel.

Also, in one of my "side readings" (the things I read on the side), I read about an 18th century account of the condom. It was pretty hysterical, actually, until I realized that I was sitting in my house, alone, laughing so hard I was crying over pig intestine condoms tied up with pink satin ribbon (it's official. I'm a 12 year old boy when it comes to that stuff).

But seriously, there was a guy named DOCTOR CONDOM. I CAN'T be the only one who finds that amusing, right????


*sigh*
Anyway. This is a snapshot of my life at this moment. I apologize to my regular readers for the lack of quality material lately. Give me some time, ask me questions, give me some suggestions. Tell me I'm a berk for all I care. Just bear with me through "the dry spell." I've got a couple things in my snarky back pocket, just in case. ;)

Another year (or semester...) over.

YAY! I'm finished with this semester! It's been one of my favorites. I had mostly all awesome classes and I got to know some seriously awesome people, which is kind of a big deal for me. :D

I'm ready to enjoy my break, though. And with a break comes time for me to read what I want as opposed to what I have to read. So, here is my

Christmas Break Reading List.

Since I so enjoyed The Duchess, I decided to delve headfirst into the 18th century over my break, because it's crazy interesting, and 3 out of the 4 books on my list will never make it into my academic reading lists. SCORE!


First is The Sylph which was written BY Georgiana (aka: The Duchess). It's an epistolary novel that's based 100% on her own life: young girl marries older uninterested guy, gets swept up in high society, etc. Every character is based on someone from her life, so I'm interested to see if I can pick all of that out since reading her biography. Also, I'm curious to see what kind of a writer The Duchess was. She kept extensive journals and constantly wrote letters, so I'm curious to see how she does at fiction. SUCH a score.


Secondly, one of my personal idols, the poster child for 18th Century woman, and good friend/penpal of Georgiana, Marie Antoinette's definitive biography by Antonia Fraser. This is the book from which they made the movie. I've already started it and while it's a good bit drier than Amanda Foreman's The Duchess, it's still insanely interesting. Marie Antoinette's life has always been a subject of fascination with me. I've just never had time to get around to reading this book.


This book is about a Royal Courtesan (aka: mistress, aka: WHORE). Haven't started it, but I was so intrigued with how okay everyone was with mistresses and illegitimate children (not to mention the Duke and Duchess's infamous menage-a-trois) that I couldn't help but check this one out. Plus, there's nothing quite as delicious as carefully hidden wig, corset and petticoat scandal.


I had to read Evelina for my English Novel class last semester and hated it. Then I had to read Caleb Effing Williams and suddenly, every novel I've ever read and hated didn't seem so bad (except Heart of Darkness, which will always be a crummy book). Frances Burney was a contemporary and acquaintance of Georgiana's, and it's implied that the epistolary style was influential for The Sylph. Frankly, I just think this was a popular way to write novels, and really, I quite like epistolary stories. They're easier to read for some reason. Plus, it gives you the opportunity to really develop your characters and establish a voice for them. Anyway, Evelina is, at it's core, a book about riding in carriages with boys. It's actually not that bad, so I'm excited to give it a re-read and see if it's more palatable the second time around.


So that's what I'm reading. Yahoo!

"She changed the hours and set the fashions."

It's okay, RDJ. This is about how I feel about books right now too.


Life has been hectic lately, but good. This is probably the busiest time of the year for us students (at least for me!) what with finals and research papers and due dates all looming ominously on the horizon. But really, about three more weeks and we're DONE with another semester. ROCK ON!

Right now, I am so sick of reading. I always maintain that being an English major is like being force-fed. Eating in itself is really enjoyable, when you're forced to do it it's uncomfortable and sickening. Reading becomes like that. But I've never really been put off enough by it to give it up altogether, which leads me to believe that I chose the right degree. Even though I'm killing myself working, at least it's work that I do, somewhere deep down, enjoy.

In other news, OUR HOUSE IS FINISHED!!!! After FOUR MONTHS of living out of Michael's bathroom and various boxes, setting up an impromptu kitchen in the living room, coin laundry and eating out for EVERY EFFING MEAL, our house is FINALLY finished! We're in the process of unpacking and rearranging all of our stuff, so once that's done I will DEFINITELY be posting pics. To be fair, it really does look gorgeous. It's my Mom's dream kitchen now. She maintains that she can't sell the house because she'll never have a kitchen this nice ever again. And she's probably right. Home-owner's insurance is a bitch, but it's worth it sometimes.

^^ How I looked first time I saw the new kitchen/my bathroom...

...and this is how I felt using my OWN SHOWER. However. Big shoutout to Michael for letting me invade and use his bathroom and not complaining ONCE. My bro is a BOSS.


I also really wanted to write this book review, because I just read this book and it was INCREDIBLE.

Georgiana: Duchess of Devonshire, by Amanda Foreman


Fans of film, costume-dramas, and Keira Knightley might remember when a film of the same title came out a couple years ago. Well, this is the book that inspired the movie. And all of it is TRUE.

Those of you who know me know that I pretty much avoid nonfiction like the plague. However, variety is the spice of life, and if there are two things I almost never mind reading about it's the British monarchy and 18th-19th century history. Lady Georgiana Spencer (as in, ancestor to Princess Diana) made an extremely fortuitous match when she married the Duke of Devonshire, thereby becoming the Duchess. This book chronicles her time as Duchess and uses a wealth of historical evidence (letters, newspapers, etc.) to validate the events. We're taken through Georgiana's time as leader of the most fashionable clique in London, to fashion maven (often hailed as the British Marie Antoinette. And on that note...), to her friendship with Marie Antoinette up until her execution, and most interestingly, her marriage.

Unable to produce a son, the Duke became very frustrated with the Duchess. He had multiple mistresses, a common occurrence for nobility. But the cruelty with which he treats his wife is the stuff of reality TV. Then, as if that's not Jersey Shore enough for you, he shacks up with his wife's bff. He STEALS her best friend, and impregnates her, siring illegitimate children. The best friend (Lady Elizabeth "Bess" Foster) eventually moves in with the pair, and the three live together in a menage a trois, both women sharing the Duke. It is MESSED. UP.

And then, get this. The Duke has had all these illicit liasons with various women. Well, Georgiana has ONE affair, gets pregnant, and the Duke LOSES IT. He banishes her, Bess, her mother, and sister into exile for TWO YEARS while the child is born, and he can't decide whether he wants to take her back or not. After fathering I think three illegit kids himself, he punishes his wife (and his children with her) by banishing her from England. IT'S INSANE. He finally relents and lets her come home, but mostly because he misses Bess, not Georgiana.

Also, despite her enormous income, she fell deeply (roughly $6 million by today's standards) into debt due to gambling. It's a really fascinating and horrible view into her decline into bankruptcy.

Through it all, Georgiana makes incredible strides for a woman living in the 1700's. She becomes more popular in the public than her husband. She makes daring fashion statements, and according to one piece of press, "Whatever the Duchess wears tonight, the rest of the town will be wearing tomorrow." Furthermore, and most importantly in my opinion, she carved a place out for herself in the uproarious British politics of the time. She campaigned with her favored political leaders (unheard of for women at the time), camped out with the British troops during times of war, and hosted meetings for the Whig Party at Devonshire House, making her an invaluable assett to the Whig party. It was said that "the Duke is the only man in England NOT in love with his wife." The politicians loved her, enemies feared her influence, and she was well-loved by everyone who met her, despite the enormous amount of personal tragedy she endured.

Overall, this book was AMAZING. It's like, 500 pages and I finished it in about 3 days. I could NOT put it down. It's nonfiction that reads like fiction, and I'd recommend it to just about everyone. It's extremely fascinating, especially when you consider today's political climate, and the fact that "the good ol' days" were far from the high-collared, moral era we often think them to be. As said in Georgiana's obituary, "She changed the hours and set the fashions...She had an uncommon gracefulness in her air rather than her figure; and appeared always to act entirely from the impression of the moment."


Georgiana depicted as the goddess Diana.




Apparently, the artist did this painting three times and claimed at the finished product that he simply couldn't capture the Duchess's likeness on canvas. This portrait caused an obsession with Georgiana among the people; women rushed to their milliners to have them copy the hat. I personally love her sardonic smirk, raised eyebrow, and the way the hat sits at a rakish angle. What a badass.

You can look at 100+ stills from the movie here (I LOVE this blog...take a look around if you have the time!). SO PRETTY!


That's all. Whew!