Great White Snark: October 2013

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

Happy Wear Your Lingerie in Public Day!

Sad, but so true. 

Just wanted to share some Hallow-snark from my fav website, Someecards. 

Happy Haunting, friends!

Friday, October 25, 2013

Positive feedback is important.

I love E-bay. I think it's probably the best place to shop ever, because it's like an online thrift store with a bookstore off to the side, as well as a place to buy clothing and jewelry and purses, and where to go to find obscure objects from your childhood that are no longer sold in real life stores. So it's basically like an online New-Used-Vintage-Thrift-Boutique-Museum-and-Bookstore, which is everything I want out of life. 

But every once in a great while, in my browsings, I find the most bizarre things, and I wanted to share some of them with you, for the lols. 

These are all 100% real, and as of "press time," were available to purchase on E-bay.

Peanut M&M from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut.

Description: "This is a real 24 year old peanut m&m from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut. Comes with the original wrapper.

When I was 20 years old back in 1989, I bought a pack of peanut m&m's from a vending machine. As I was eating the m&m's, I noticed one of the m&m's had an unusual oblong shape to it. (just over an inch long). I bit into it halfway and saw that the other half of the m&m had what appears to be a piece of wood inside of it, instead of a peanut!"

Asking Price: $3,500 plus free shipping

Commentary: $3,500 for a defective 24 year old M&M??

My entire Back as ur Billboard

Description: "I am A real Tattoo Advertiser  otherwise known as A Human Billboard....This means I get Tattoos of advertisements for Businesses like yours. I am offering My entire back as your Advertising space.   Not A 4"X4" spot....My entire back from shoulder to shoulder and from neck to waist....This will be my largest and most publicized other than my head tat I did for  Which is proof in itself that I live up to what I say I will do. I have never backed out of any deal I have made and have never talked about removing any of my advertisement Tattoos. Never will."

Asking Price: $45,000

Commentary: ...I can't even. 

Pair of peace earrings first worn by future world class cellist
Description: "This is the very first pair of earrings worn by our very own future world class cellist.  While she is acknowledged to be the best cellist in her grade and has earned a perfect score at NYSSMA,  it will take many more years of private lessons to achieve her goal.  All proceeds from this auction will go to the advancement of our budding cello star."

Asking Price: $999.99 plus free shipping

Commentary: I'm pretty sure they couldn't sell Yo-Yo Ma's earrings for $1000, but it's ambitious of them to try.

Proper Folding and Wear of the Tinfoil Hat
Description: "Complete instructions for the proper construction and wear of the protective tin foil hat, including materials, the best brands and types of foils, a size chart, proper construction, safety considerations, even fashion tips!"
Starting Bid: $0.99 plus $0.46 shipping

Commentary: At 99 cents, this is a STEAL. 

Description: "VINTAGE  1960'S CERAMIC WEIRD GUY   #13701
REALLY  NICE!!!!!!!!!!"

Asking Price: $499.99 plus $3.77 shipping

Commentary: Although I love that his title is literally "Weird Guy," I don't think the 10 exclammation points after "REALLY NICE" make this worth $500. He looks like something I've seen in the Goodwill like, a hundred times, although I guess if he's a legit relative of Pac-Man he might be worth that much.

The Secret of Time and Space
Description: "Why does time exist?
How does it exist? True Measurement of Energy!

(This knowledge most certainly comes from the future where it belongs)

A letter will be mailed to you with my Nobel worthy manuscript, not only logically redefining what limits 'light-speed', but the function and mechanism of 'time' itself!"

Asking Price: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: 99 cents seems too cheap for information that certainly comes from the future. If it's not coming from Dr. Who himself, I call shenanigans. 

LIMITED TIME OFFER! One premium Soul
Description: "This soul is a premium, gently used, medium sized soul. This soul may be sold to Satan in exchange for super rock'n roll powers, or whatever else he might offer. Don't get caught in a pinch without your spare soul!
This premium soul also makes a good replacement part for those who may have lost their own."

Starting Bid: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: I had no ideas that souls looked like the psychedelic prints hanging inside hippie shops, but it all makes sense now! Also, 99 cents is a steal if you do actually become a rock god. 

 The Ghost Box - Own your own ghost!

 Description: "Our team have collected real ghosts from various cemeteries, haunted houses and other areas where celestial beings conglomerate. We have perfected a “capturing ritual” that forces the ghost into an enclosed area. The inside of the Ghost Box has been treated with a protoplasmic inhibitor which makes it impossible for any spirit to escape from. In addition, a special seal has been placed on the Ghost Box. This seal is called a “Shou” or the Chinese symbol for longevity. The origins of this symbol go back as far as 124 B.C. The original purpose was to seal in evil spirits away from an individual, therefore extending their chances of living longer, better lives.

     All ghosts that we collect are spirits that have been around for ages.They are no longer able to move on to a different realm, be it Heaven, Hell or otherwise. We do not use spirits who have died recently or who have any recollection of their human existence. For this reason, it is perfectly acceptable to name your ghost if you desire to do so. Depending on it’s characteristics, it may or may not respond to a name. And although the ghosts provided have neither male or female characteristics, it may take on such traits to correspond with it’s name, again depending on the nature of the ghost.

Once the seal is broken and the box is opened, you as the owner take on full responsibility for it’s actions. We will not be liable for any actions or reactions of the ghost. If you decide to open the box and release the ghost, you will find another scroll inside describing the ghost held within. This decision should be done wisely, as once the ghost is let out, you cannot put it back in the box.

Custom orders will not be accepted."

Asking Price: $15.99 plus $9.99 shipping

 Commentary: So THIS is how the guys from Ghostbusters are making a living now! I'm just bummed that you can't custom order a ghost. 

Thursday, October 24, 2013

A lesson in the two types of Halloween music.

There are two kinds of Halloween music: good and bad. The same is true of most kinds of music, but Halloween's in a week so we're focusing on that right now. 

Here is an example of good Halloween music:
I didn't realize that "Danse Macabre" on banjo (paired purely with a cello...perfect!) was something I wanted with all my soul until I heard this. It's epic, right??

Here is an example of bad (but hilarious) Halloween music:
Will Smith. Rapping about Freddy Kruger. With a horrible voice over and godawful ending segment involving a phone call. Everything about this is wrong. But in such a lol-worthy way! It's so horrifically campy and Fresh Princey, you can't help but cringe and secretly kind of like it

Enjoy. And if you ever need Halloween music, I have quite the collection, so don't hesitate to ask! 

Monday, October 21, 2013

I re-named the Recycle Bin on my computer "Azkaban" so that way, whenever I throw something out, it's like, "Are you sure you want to send this file to Azkaban?" And I'm like, "YEAH, I AM THE WIZENGAMOT, HAHAH."

Friday, October 18, 2013

What was actually on the menu at the Star Wars Cantina...

I just wanted to share pics of the food I made assembled for our Star Wars event at the library last Saturday! 
This was our Darth Vader pinata. The girl who won the Wii lightsaber duel (you read that right...she KICKED BUTT) got to smash Vader's head with a lightsaber. Candy was enjoyed by all. 

Yes, our ice machine does have a picture of Vanilla Ice on it. You can thank my boss for that bit of cleverness. 

This was probably my favorite. I used chocolate teddy grahams (for Ewoks), Captain Crunch cereal, Raisinettes, and coconut M&M's (they were the only green ones I could find, even though I searched high and low for mint flavored ones!).

I regret nothing.

This was just watermelon juice and Sprite. Btw, do you know how hard it is to find green juice that isn't either vegetables or Kool-Aid? HARD. 

Because we needed something to balance out all the sugar. 

See? The Oreos have a dark and a light the force! Ahh??

Just animal crackers. 

Couldn't come up with a better name for this...

And finally...

...the dress! 

It was an awesome day. One of those ones where I'm like, "I can't believe I get paid to do this." It was a lot of work, and I was exhausted, but it was totally worth it. 

Now, tomorrow, I get to do our 3rd Annual Princess Tea Party, complete with 200 little girls in princess attire and a menu completely consisting of various forms of sugar. This will be interesting...

Monday, October 7, 2013

Latest and greatest treasure find...

I'm just so excited about what I found at Goodwill today that I had to share. It's...

...this adorable bag! I'm kind of on a vintage bag kick right now. I just love the classy, lady-like vibe they give off, and they're usually more structured, which is both practical and really "in" right now. They make me feel like I need to wear actual pantyhose (does anyone actually wear these anymore?), and red lipstick, and just be generally more like Rita Hayworth, Hedy Lamarr, and Katharine Hepburn.
Center closed.
Okay, so it has an outside pocket (sunglasses and cell phone), two open outer pockets, and then an inner pocket which closes with a kisslock clasp. SO CUTE. And it's pretty roomy for a vintage purse, which is nice because we generally carry a lot more crap with us now than they did then.

Center open!
Bonus pic with Bixby.
Plus, the color is a big departure for me. I usually tend to favor blacks and camel brown in handbags just because they go with everything. When I do color, it's usually like, purples, blues, or leopard print (which I consider to be a neutral, so sue me). But this color is so pretty in person! It's like Burgundy and Carnelian had a love-child. Perfect for fall/winter! 

Best part? THE PRICE! I got it for $4!!! 

I found similar ones on Etsy, but they run about $25 plus shipping. So I think I got a pretty good deal. Just wanted to share, because I love good finds like that! 

(Aforementioned Etsy bags here and here.)

Sunday, October 6, 2013

Clothing in the year 2000

Let's examine this, shall we?

"One dress of the future will consist of transparent net. The net, probably, to catch the males."

"Apparently, in A.D. 2000, we will be having a hair-raising time."

" will have cantilever heels..."

"As for him, if he matters at all, there won't be any shaving..."

"...and he will be fitted with a telephone and a radio..."

My personal favorite is the "electric headlight to help her find an honest man." Why haven't they made THAT yet??

Overall, WELL DONE, trend predictors of the 1930's. 

Wednesday, October 2, 2013

What the hell-ementary, my dear Watson?

I don't know why I keep torturing myself by reading Sherlock Holmes pastiches and hoping they'll be good. If there were kinks in the reading world (and I'm not saying there aren't, I'm just not into it...or aware of it, thankfully), I'd definitely be some kind of Sherlock Holmes masochist. 

No, but honestly, I just keep hoping I'll stumble upon a book that makes me feel like I'm reading some of Doily's Doyle's work. 

This was not that book.

So basically, this is some author's imagining of 13 year old Sherlock Holmes's first case. Which sounded cool, and it was a good premise (a slash-and-hack murder in Whitechapel, so of course I thought this was going to involve Jack the Ripper. Disappointingly, it didn't.), so I thought I'd give it a try.

Overall, it was a silly book. Crows literally solve the case. I'm not even joking. Like, the black birds. They SOLVE THE CASE. That's the kind of silliness that would've maybe come up in the original stories, but then Holmes would've explained it away and solved the mystery using, I don't know, CLUES, or EVIDENCE, or HIS BRAIN.

I felt like this Holmes was extremely out of character, which I guess you can get away with when it's the young, formative years of a someone. But with a character as iconic as Sherlock Holmes, I don't know...I've always felt that he was born Sherlock Holmes, and didn't grow into him. We hear, once or twice, in the original stories that he didn't have many friends in his school years, which I assumed was because he was a genius and was probably deducing the crap out of everyone, which was cool the first time but then just got annoying. In this book, he's all emotional (albeit, still friendless), and then it shows why he decides to shut off his emotions. Which I think is a little silly. 

Sherlock Holmes is also apparently Jewish, despite celebrating Christmas in "The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle." But I will give him this point as Holmes's religion is never expressly revealed (though he does make mention of his belief in prayer, morality, and a Creator in the original stories). 

We also have child-Irene Adler, which is extremely ridiculous to me, especially considering she was an AMERICAN and probably living in New Jersey at the time the story took place. 

Seriously, Mr. Peacock (terrible nom de plume, too)?? As a self-professed "Holmesian" did you ever actually READ any of the Holmes canon? 

I feel like there needs to be a society of people that are Sherlock Holmes experts who have to approve any knock-offs/pastiches before publication, because stuff like this just makes me mad. And if the author doesn't approve of the changes, then they have to delete x-amount of Holmes characteristics from their characters, give them a new name, and pretend none of this ever happened. 

"Pretend none of this ever happened," is, incidentally, what I'm doing now that I'm done reading this watery, disappointing, and highly forgetful book. 

Tuesday, October 1, 2013