Happy this year.

Source.

New Year's Resolutions

• Spend more time outside: I am like, two steps away from becoming an actual vampire, so I think spending some time outdoors is much needed. Also, I always notice that it puts me in a good mood, and I sleep like a baby on the days I've spent outside.
• Mark the passing of the seasons: the only season I actively wait for and notice is fall. I'd like to change that. 
• Try all the things I've always wanted to do: namely, archery and fencing. But I have to wait until my stupid knee heals.
• Eat more veg and move more. Duh. 

That's it. If I write any more crap I'll just feel depressed if/when I haven't accomplished it. 

Also, I'm posting this here, more for my future reference than your amusement: 

"Around 1990, when Jim Carrey was a struggling young Canadian comic trying to make his way in Los Angeles, he drove his old Toyota up to Mulholland Drive. While sitting there looking at the city below & dreaming of his future, he wrote himself a check for $10 million, dated it Thanksgiving 1995, added the notation “for acting services rendered”, & carried it in his wallet from that day forth. The rest, as they say, is history. Carrye’s optimism & tenacity eventually paid off, & by 1995, after the huge box office success of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, The Mask & Dumb & Dumber, his asking price had risen to $20 million per picture. When Carrey’s father died in 1994, he placed the $10 million check into his father’s coffin as a tribute to the man who had both started & nurtured his dreams of being a star."

-Jack Canfield, The Success Principles

I had a really nice Christmas, btw. It was nice and quiet, and just really good. I hope all of your holidays were great, and Happy New Year! 

"Be not afeared, the Isle is full of noises."

So, I thought I should share my thoughts about the Olympic opening ceremony. 

Actually, I think I feel about it the way the Queen looks. 

(Btw, I wish everyone would back off about her looking so pissed off. Let's be real. She had been up since the crack of dawn meeting foreign dignitaries, attending luncheons and giving speeches all day. Then it's late at night, and she's EIGHTY FREAKING SIX. I'm 23 and that's how I look at 10 at night. So cut her some slack.)

I just expected it to be more...traditional, I guess. I would've loved to see a Scottish Tattoo or some Irish step-dancing (because let's be real: mass amounts of people synchronized in tap shoes with no arm movements is totally mesemerizing)--things that are unique to the U.K. Or even if they'd done a history of sport in the U.K., starting with the Celts riding horses in blue paint, then moving on to the Scottish games (caber tossing, anyone?), and knights and archery and jousting, and Renaissance dance (and Regency dance because let's face it, that Austen stuff is way sexier than today's dancing), and traditional English fox hunting and then ending with football/soccer and the Olympics.

OR they could've gone literary, starting with Beowulf and Chaucer, moving on to Shakespeare (um, duh?), Jonathan Swift, then Dickens, Austen, Carroll, Wilde, and of course, ending with Gaiman and Rowling. Although, I was pleased that they mentioned Alice in Wonderland, Harry Potter and Mary Poppins. And actually HAD J.K. Rowling there to read from Peter Pan. Swoon!

ALSO: while I am thrilled that there was basically a worldwide sing-a-long for "Hey Jude" (I might actually have died if I'd been present), I'd like to point out that England produced a LOT of other musicians. I mean, Ringo is still out there! It would've been so cool to have a British rock medley, and have Ozzy, Bowie, Siouxsie, whoever's left of the Sex Pistols or the Ramones, Keith Richards, Mick Jagger and Paul McCartney, and anybody else who cares to join in do a joint concert. Would've been SO BADASS. 

Not to mention British actors, but we just won't even go there.

I did like the Industrial Revolution bit, however, it was a little theatrical for me.

I don't know. The whole show just felt too artistic for me. It felt like...if Les Miserables and Blue Man Group had a lovechild, it would've been the London Opening Ceremonies. I don't know. If that had been an American Opening Ceremony, I would've been like, "Oh, of course." But there are so many things that are unique to the history and culture of the U.K., and I guess I just wanted to see more of that. 

The lines Kenneth Branagh read from "The Tempest" fit perfectly, so A+ on that, England!

So anyway, that's how it would've gone down if I'd been in charge. Which obviously, I was not.

Sometimes, I entertain a really sordid fantasy in which I get stuck in the elevator at work (even though I almost always take the stairs). And, of course, this fantasy means I'm there alone. And I get to curl up and take a nap for like an hour and a half while waiting to be rescued, which means I get to sleep ON THE CLOCK.

(Clearly, my fantasy life could use some spicing up.)

It's my FAAAVORITE THIIIINGS!

You have to read the title in the manic Oprah voice.

So every year, Oprah would do this show called her Favorite Things wherein she'd give everyone in the audience a veritable treasure trove of stuff. And while I was sick (the first time, I'm sick again now. Should've asked Santa for a new body that was healthier) I watched my first one.

Now, I generally can't stand Oprah. But when I flipped channels and it was her last Favorite Things episode, I HAD to watch because of all the great spoofs that've been made of it. And they are DEADLY accurate.





So then I was like, "Omg, I could do a Favorite Things blog post of all the stuff I'd give out if I was Oprah!" So that's precisely what I'm going to do.



Mary's FAVORITE THINGS!


The first thing I'd give away would be Lush Dream Cream, because this is hands-down my favorite lotion for ANYTHING. There are claims that it cures everything from minor cuts to eczema and it's completely, 100% natural. You can use it on everything from hands to legs to the sensitive eye area and it does AMAZINGLY. Some people are put off by the smell, but I personally love it (roses and lavender!) and I think the results would outweigh any displeasure from the odor.

And to go with it, I'd give away...

...my three favorite Lush soaps!
I'd give away 13 (Unlucky for Dirt) Soap because it's naturally antibacterial. At first I despised the smell--roses and oregano! Seriously?? But it gets rid of germs and rinses off so cleanly, and ultimately I ended up liking it. Spicy and floral aren't usually mixed together, but it's kind of a sweet combination!
I'd also give away Sexy Peel, because it's like you split open dozens of oranges and lemons inside your shower. It smells so refreshing and invigorating! It's got little pieces of orange peel in it, which sounds like you're washing with garbage but it doesn't feel that way at all. It's very clean. I absolutely love this soap. And it's perfect for ladies AND gents, just like 13!
And lastly, I'd give away 17 Cherry Tree Lane, not only because I love the name (and Mary Poppins, of course!), but it's probably my favorite Lush scent. It's like a soft, sweet jasmine floral with just a hint of spiciness. It's also got the gratuitous "spoonful of sugar" thrown into the mix...what's not to love?




Oprah usually gives out diamonds and like, real bling, but since I don't own any of that, I'd give out something I DO have and love. I bought myself these Brighton earrings as a graduation present, and I adore them! The lever backs are by and large the most comfortable, and I do love Brighton. I almost exclusively wear silver (not that I hate gold, I just think silver looks better with my coloring), and Brighton is my favorite "drug of choice" when it comes to silver. It's thick, heavy and long-lasting. But the earrings themselves aren't heavy to wear. I also like the faux diamond because it's just enough bling to add a little fabulosity to your everyday.




I would absolutely give every person in my audience Star Wars on DVD. These ones are the ones I own and they come with the unretouched theatrical editions, too, which I think is important. I'm not against the changes George Lucas made, but I watched the originals obsessively before the re-releases came out, so those were the ones I was used to. I can still point out every change he made and tell you what happened in the originals. So yeah, I think I'd like everyone to have these, especially people who grew up watching the re-released versions just so they could see the originals for themselves.
Also, Star Wars has shaped my ideas on right and wrong, death, morality, duty, and friendship more than I'd care to admit. So while Oprah lauds Eckhart Tolle, I recommend Luke Skywalker.



If you've never tried Peterbrooke's Chocolate Popcorn, you have not lived. This stuff is the single most delectable treat I think I've ever had. I am a MAJOR fan of the sweet/salty combo, and this stuff hits the spot 100%. Also, Oprah always gives out some kind of food (she gave out chicken pies on the episode I saw. CHICKEN. PIES.), so here you go.




I very honestly believe laughter is the best medicine for all kinds of ills, so I'd give everyone the Best of Jimmy Fallon SNL DVD. Saturday Night Live is (almost) always funny to me, and I love Jimmy Fallon, so this is two birds with one stone!



You'd also get a Team Coco T-Shirt because while Jimmy Fallon is funny, no one holds a candle to Conan. And if I was Oprah, the first person I'd reach out to befriend as celeb BFF's would be Conan. You better believe it.



It is my firm belief that every woman should own something luxurious...or even something that makes her feel luxurious. There is something innately female about feeling glamorous, and the person who I feel best encapsulates that feminine vigor is Betsey Johnson. Everyone in my audience would go home with a Betsey Johnson Wallet and a sample of her new fragrance, Too Too, because a little luxe goes a long way. And perfume isn't universal. I like this one better than her original (even if the original's packaging is WAYYY better), but that's not everyone's opinion. So you get a trial size. CHEAP OPRAH.



Since these shows happen around the holidays, I felt obligated to give something Christmassy or seasonal. So I chose this Pashmina Scarf from Target. YES, TARGET, OKAY?? I'm not ACTUALLY Oprah! Anyway, I have this scarf in a few colors and I love it because it's WAY bigger than it looks, so it can double as a wrap or shawl. And there are loads of different ways to tie it, and it's so soft. You'd get it in red, like Mattie Silver (and if you haven't read Ethan Frome, you really need to because it's a beautiful story and not all about sex as my brother would tell you).



SPEAKING OF READING (and don't pretend like you weren't expecting this), I'd give my audience a collection of my favorite or most-inspiring books.
Pride and Prejudice is my blanket-statement favorite book (though it ties with Wuthering Heights...P&P is just so much more cheerful), so you'd definitely get that.
I maintain that reading Sherlock Holmes drew me out of one of the severest depressions of my life, and I can't thank him enough for that. The stories are incredible (and short! Perfect for cozying up with before bed) and kind of changed the way I observe the world around me.
Little House in the Big Woods was my gateway drug to reading. My Mom used to read that series to me when I was little, and it was the absolute highlight of my day. I've since re-read them as an adult, and they are such quality stories! And it's fascinating to me because the books are steeped in fact--that stuff actually happened. So this one's definitely one of the top influential books in my life, and I'd like to pass it on to everyone to either read for themselves or gift to a kid they know.
This is such a cop-out, but I'd give everyone the first Harry Potter, just to get them going on it. And I'd give away the adult cover ones so you don't feel like a fool reading it in public.
No-Fear Shakespeare is such a great tool, and not just for students! They have the original text of the play on one page and then the "real English" translation on the other...so cool! So you can actually blast your way through Hamlet without getting tripped up by the language. And while Hamlet is arguably Shakespeare's best play (and probably my favorite from a literary standpoint), Midsummer Night's Dream is my favorite story, so I'd give that one away.
I know I've already talked about Yes Man, but this was one of those books that sticks with you and I really believe it's a life-changing story. So I'd want everyone to read it. It's hilarious, too, and that never hurts. :)
I just finished reading The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen, and I could NOT put it down. I finished it in two nights. And it was so good! Allen almost always uses food as a motiff in her writing, but it takes center stage in this novel. This book is like eating dessert--it takes place in the modern world but has a touch of magic (her books always do...think the movie "Practical Magic") and a hint of Southern gothic. It's really a treasure of a book, and had a message that was so relevant to me and where I am at this point in my life. Loved it.
And finally, I'd give everyone a copy of The Duchess, because this book changed the way I feel and think about being a woman, especially in today's world. Georgiana of Devonshire was CENTURIES ahead of her time and trapped cruelly in a society which caged her in a loveless and faithless marriage. She was brilliant, beautiful, and brave, and really an inspiration to me. She's up there with my Favorite People of All Time. She was also a pal of Marie Antoinette's, so if you love that era or history or women or ANYTHING, you've got to read this book. It's a historical non-fiction that reads like fiction...I couldn't put it down and it hasn't left me yet.




I would definitely give everyone gift cards to Plato's Closet and TJ Maxx, just because money goes further there than anywhere else. You can score designer stuff for wayyy less than retail price at TJ Maxx, and I believe in Plato's as a company. I like that people can recycle their clothing as opposed to filling landfills with them, and it's an affordable way to keep your wardrobe current. So, happy shopping!



Everyone gets a throw blanket with whales on it because I have one and love it and it's super cozy.
That really doesn't merit any other description.



Oprah usually gives away something kitchen-y, but since I'm an absolute domestic failure, I'd give away Tervis Tumblers! I LOVE these cups! They're insulated and can keep hot or cold beverages the right temperature for HOURS. You can customize them, too, with whatever name or images you want. And they have a lifetime guarantee, so if yours gets crapped up all you have to do is mail it to the factory (there's one in Fort Myers!), and they'll send you a new one, free of charge. They're AWESOME.



And lastly, I FINALLY got a REAL Coach bag this year and it is by far the best bag I've ever owned. The classic Coach monogram is timeless and goes with everything. The size and style of this bag is ideal for everyday use as it's big enough to hold your essentials (and a book!), but small enough to carry around with you. The leatherwork and stitching are perfect...in the eye of the beholder (aka: me), these bags are works of art. So everyone would DEFINITELY get one!


YAYYYY! OPRAH'S MARY'S FAVORITE THINGS! I HAVE MEDICS STANDING BY SO FEEL FREE TO RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND EAT YOUR NEIGHBOR'S EYEBALLS!!!

Seriously though.
Hope you enjoyed the list!

She wasn't where she had been. She wasn't where she was going…but she was on her way.

I DID IT!!!!

After a lot of blood, sweat and tears (LITERALLY, you think I'm joking), I finished. I worked hard. I cried a lot. I almost gave up. I vanquished a buttload of papers, exams, bad teachers, anxieties, and read almost 40 novels and COUNTLESS short stories. And I'm DONE.

THIS IS JOYFUL AND TRIUMPHANT.

My commencement ceremony was lovely. They had BAGPIPES. Need I say more? My friend, Elizabeth, came to see me, along with my parents and that one guy that I share the upstairs with. And then afterwards, lovely Bethany and I had a dinner and movie date. It was pretty much a perfect day.

Then today, I scrubbed the microwave and cleaned windows at Plato's.

THIS IS LIFE, THOUGH, APPARENTLY.

Since my commencement speaker was a little boring and highly conventional, I downloaded this onto my iPod and I will forever maintain that Conan was actually my commencement speaker. Because he's an amazing human being.

I encourage EVERYONE to pretend accept that this was their commencement speech. It's 23 minutes, but worth every second. Conan O'Brien: I love you.

My post-school plans?

(Except for that last panel...I don't think too many people know a lot of stuff, and I don't really like conversation.)

What that may be, I have NO idea. But that's the exciting part. And I promise, whatever it is, I'll be writing about it.

"Instructions" for grads.

Hit "play," then read along. What better way to experience a poem than when it's read by the author? (And Neil Gaiman has a sexy British voice, so who's complaining?)


"Instructions"
by Neil Gaiman

Touch the wooden gate in the wall you never

saw before.

Say "please" before you open the latch,

go through,

walk down the path.

A red metal imp hangs from the green-painted

front door,

as a knocker,

do not touch it; it will bite your fingers.

Walk through the house. Take nothing. Eat

nothing.

However, if any creature tells you that it hungers,

feed it.

If it tells you that it is dirty,

clean it.

If it cries to you that it hurts,

if you can,

ease its pain.

From the back garden you will be able to see the

wild wood.

The deep well you walk past leads to Winter's

realm;

there is another land at the bottom of it.

If you turn around here,

you can walk back, safely;

you will lose no face. I will think no less of you.

Once through the garden you will be in the

wood.

The trees are old. Eyes peer from the under-

growth.

Beneath a twisted oak sits an old woman. She

may ask for something;

give it to her. She

will point the way to the castle.

Inside it are three princesses.

Do not trust the youngest. Walk on.

In the clearing beyond the castle the twelve

months sit about a fire,

warming their feet, exchanging tales.

They may do favors for you, if you are polite.

You may pick strawberries in December's frost.

Trust the wolves, but do not tell them where

you are going.

The river can be crossed by the ferry. The ferry-

man will take you.

(The answer to his question is this:

If he hands the oar to his passenger, he will be free to

leave the boat.

Only tell him this from a safe distance.)

If an eagle gives you a feather, keep it safe.

Remember: that giants sleep too soundly; that

witches are often betrayed by their appetites;

dragons have one soft spot, somewhere, always;

hearts can be well-hidden,

and you betray them with your tongue.

Do not be jealous of your sister.

Know that diamonds and roses

are as uncomfortable when they tumble from

one's lips as toads and frogs:

colder, too, and sharper, and they cut.

Remember your name.

Do not lose hope — what you seek will be found.

Trust ghosts. Trust those that you have helped

to help you in their turn.

Trust dreams.

Trust your heart, and trust your story.

When you come back, return the way you came.

Favors will be returned, debts will be repaid.

Do not forget your manners.

Do not look back.

Ride the wise eagle (you shall not fall).

Ride the silver fish (you will not drown).

Ride the grey wolf (hold tightly to his fur).

There is a worm at the heart of the tower; that is

why it will not stand.

When you reach the little house, the place your

journey started,

you will recognize it, although it will seem

much smaller than you remember.

Walk up the path, and through the garden gate

you never saw before but once.

And then go home. Or make a home.

And rest.





I think this is such a beautiful poem. I read it at Barnes and Noble a few weeks back and it's been in my mind ever since.

To all the grads out there: Congratulations on completing one of the most grueling and formative chapters in your life. The entire world is at your fingertips. Never forget that hard work and kindness really can beget all the things you've ever imagined, and then some.

And to everyone out there who's already graduated: even though the world is a hard, cruel place, there are some things worth fighting for. Never lose sight of that excitement you felt at 17 or 18. I truly believe it's never too late to harness your strength and courage and make your dreams a reality. Remember your roots, reconcile your past with your present, and walk determinedly towards the future.

I'll come to thee by midnight though hell should bar the way.

If pictures are worth 1,000 words, then there's 33,000 words there, plus a song. So I don't think I should write any more than that today.