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I love E-bay. I think it's probably the best place to shop ever, because it's like an online thrift store with a bookstore off to the side, as well as a place to buy clothing and jewelry and purses, and where to go to find obscure objects from your childhood that are no longer sold in real life stores. So it's basically like an online New-Used-Vintage-Thrift-Boutique-Museum-and-Bookstore, which is everything I want out of life. 

But every once in a great while, in my browsings, I find the most bizarre things, and I wanted to share some of them with you, for the lols. 

These are all 100% real, and as of "press time," were available to purchase on E-bay.

Peanut M&M from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut.

Description: "This is a real 24 year old peanut m&m from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut. Comes with the original wrapper.

When I was 20 years old back in 1989, I bought a pack of peanut m&m's from a vending machine. As I was eating the m&m's, I noticed one of the m&m's had an unusual oblong shape to it. (just over an inch long). I bit into it halfway and saw that the other half of the m&m had what appears to be a piece of wood inside of it, instead of a peanut!"

Asking Price: $3,500 plus free shipping

Commentary: $3,500 for a defective 24 year old M&M??

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Rare-Peanut-m-m-from-1989-with-a-piece-of-wood-inside-of-it-instead-of-a-peanut-/150941964877?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2324d79a4d

My entire Back as ur Billboard

Description: "I am A real Tattoo Advertiser  otherwise known as A Human Billboard....This means I get Tattoos of advertisements for Businesses like yours. I am offering My entire back as your Advertising space.   Not A 4"X4" spot....My entire back from shoulder to shoulder and from neck to waist....This will be my largest and most publicized other than my head tat I did for  TheAuctionRater.com  Which is proof in itself that I live up to what I say I will do. I have never backed out of any deal I have made and have never talked about removing any of my advertisement Tattoos. Never will."

Asking Price: $45,000

Commentary: ...I can't even. 

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Tattoo-advertise-on-me-P1MPLE-My-entire-Back-as-ur-Billboard-/271276505266?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3f2956f8b2

Pair of peace earrings first worn by future world class cellist

Description: "This is the very first pair of earrings worn by our very own future world class cellist.  While she is acknowledged to be the best cellist in her grade and has earned a perfect score at NYSSMA,  it will take many more years of private lessons to achieve her goal.  All proceeds from this auction will go to the advancement of our budding cello star."

Asking Price: $999.99 plus free shipping

Commentary: I'm pretty sure they couldn't sell Yo-Yo Ma's earrings for $1000, but it's ambitious of them to try.

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Pair-of-peace-earrings-first-worn-by-future-world-class-cellist-/370725039534?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item5650ef2dae

Proper Folding and Wear of the Tinfoil Hat

Description: "Complete instructions for the proper construction and wear of the protective tin foil hat, including materials, the best brands and types of foils, a size chart, proper construction, safety considerations, even fashion tips!"

Starting Bid: $0.99 plus $0.46 shipping

Commentary: At 99 cents, this is a STEAL. 

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/Proper-Folding-and-Wear-of-the-Tinfoil-Hat-/271305575457?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3f2b128c21

VINTAGE 1960'S CERAMIC WEIRD GUY

Description: "VINTAGE  1960'S CERAMIC WEIRD GUY   #13701

LOOKS LIKE A RELATIVE OF PAC MAN?

ABOUT  2 3/8    INCHES  TALL

REALLY  NICE!!!!!!!!!!"

Asking Price: $499.99 plus $3.77 shipping

Commentary: Although I love that his title is literally "Weird Guy," I don't think the 10 exclammation points after "REALLY NICE" make this worth $500. He looks like something I've seen in the Goodwill like, a hundred times, although I guess if he's a legit relative of Pac-Man he might be worth that much.

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/FQ-VINTAGE-1960S-CERAMIC-WEIRD-GUY-/370622910995?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item564ad8d213

The Secret of Time and Space

Description: "Why does time exist?

How does it exist? True Measurement of Energy!

(This knowledge most certainly comes from the future where it belongs)

A letter will be mailed to you with my Nobel worthy manuscript, not only logically redefining what limits 'light-speed', but the function and mechanism of 'time' itself!"

Asking Price: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: 99 cents seems too cheap for information that certainly comes from the future. If it's not coming from Dr. Who himself, I call shenanigans. 

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/The-Secret-of-Time-and-Space-/261295521851?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item3cd66d403b

LIMITED TIME OFFER! One premium Soul

Description: "This soul is a premium, gently used, medium sized soul. This soul may be sold to Satan in exchange for super rock'n roll powers, or whatever else he might offer. Don't get caught in a pinch without your spare soul!

This premium soul also makes a good replacement part for those who may have lost their own."

Starting Bid: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: I had no ideas that souls looked like the psychedelic prints hanging inside hippie shops, but it all makes sense now! Also, 99 cents is a steal if you do actually become a rock god. 

Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/LIMITED-TIME-OFFER-One-premium-Soul-/151146429989?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item2331077e25

 The Ghost Box - Own your own ghost!

 Description: "Our team have collected real ghosts from various cemeteries, haunted houses and other areas where celestial beings conglomerate. We have perfected a “capturing ritual” that forces the ghost into an enclosed area. The inside of the Ghost Box has been treated with a protoplasmic inhibitor which makes it impossible for any spirit to escape from. In addition, a special seal has been placed on the Ghost Box. This seal is called a “Shou” or the Chinese symbol for longevity. The origins of this symbol go back as far as 124 B.C. The original purpose was to seal in evil spirits away from an individual, therefore extending their chances of living longer, better lives.

     All ghosts that we collect are spirits that have been around for ages.They are no longer able to move on to a different realm, be it Heaven, Hell or otherwise. We do not use spirits who have died recently or who have any recollection of their human existence. For this reason, it is perfectly acceptable to name your ghost if you desire to do so. Depending on it’s characteristics, it may or may not respond to a name. And although the ghosts provided have neither male or female characteristics, it may take on such traits to correspond with it’s name, again depending on the nature of the ghost.

Once the seal is broken and the box is opened, you as the owner take on full responsibility for it’s actions. We will not be liable for any actions or reactions of the ghost. If you decide to open the box and release the ghost, you will find another scroll inside describing the ghost held within. This decision should be done wisely, as once the ghost is let out, you cannot put it back in the box.

Custom orders will not be accepted."

Asking Price: $15.99 plus $9.99 shipping

 Commentary: So THIS is how the guys from Ghostbusters are making a living now! I'm just bummed that you can't custom order a ghost. 

 Link: http://www.ebay.com/itm/The-Ghost-Box-Own-your-own-ghost-/121190900542?pt=LH_DefaultDomain_0&hash=item1c378a633e

Clothing in the year 2000

Let's examine this, shall we?

"One dress of the future will consist of transparent net. The net, probably, to catch the males."

"Apparently, in A.D. 2000, we will be having a hair-raising time."

"...shoes will have cantilever heels..."

"As for him, if he matters at all, there won't be any shaving..."

"...and he will be fitted with a telephone and a radio..."

My personal favorite is the "electric headlight to help her find an honest man." Why haven't they made THAT yet??

Overall, WELL DONE, trend predictors of the 1930's. 

Thank goodness someone invented Abraham Lincoln.

(At a lecture about Henry Flagler and all the hotels and railroads he built)

Woman (asking the lecturer a question): Who provided the labor for the railroads? Was it Indians or slaves or--

Little boy: *hand raised, talks without being called on* Umm, I don't think it was slaves, because when Abraham Lincoln was invented, they stopped all that. 

Child: Look Mom! It's Curious George!

Mom 1: It is Curious George! 

Mom 2: I hate Curious George. 

Mom 1: Why?

Mom 2:He makes me nervous! You know that guy in the yellow hat is going to look away and that monkey's going to get into something. He's not very good...that man in the yellow hat.

Mom 1: No...I guess he is a bit negligent...

Things That Are NOT On My To-Do List (with expected reaction gif's)

• Laugh my ass off during an episode of Downton Abbey (x)
• Get ready for my hot date on Friday night! (x)
•  Practice my answers for all the job interviews I have lined up for  the “poem interpretation,” “people who have read Dracula upwards of 3 times,” and “19^th century laws of primogeniture and entail” jobs (x)
•  Rack up all my credit cards! (x)
•  Start that new fad diet everyone is on (x)
• Sign up for phlebotomy lessons (x)
• Go public with my burgeoning rap career (x)
• Get tan (x)
• Wear something other than yoga pants and Star Wars t-shirts this weekend (x)
• Go back to get my Master’s, because 2 degrees in English will MOST DEFINITELY do me a lot more good than just one! (x)
• Start training for the marathon (x)
• Go blonde (x)
• Catch up on every season of “Keeping Up With The Kartrashians” (x)
• Get that tattoo I’ve been meaning to get (x)

Under the sea...

Hah, so, the other day I found something and I wanted to share because it's just so funny and terrible and indicative of who I am as a person.

I love sea animals. Sea mammals in particular--whales, dolphins, seals, walruses, narwhals, and manatees, to be specific.

Well when I was a wee lass, in first grade, our teacher taught us about manatees. As a class, we adopted a manatee from Blue Springs then took a field trip to go see him (just for kicks, his name was Howie, and he is still there. I now feel like I need to go visit him.). ANYWAY, as part of this whole lesson on sea cows, we had to sculpt one out of clay and make a diorama, like out of a shoe box or whatever.

My Mom heard that we had to do some kind of artistic project and immediately panicked, and rightly so. Because my artistic skills rival that of a four year old who was actually born with two left hands. So she bought play-doh and we practiced. And in her words, "The first one looked like a poop. So I said, 'No, Mary, try again.' So we smashed it and I showed you how to pinch out a flat tail and flippers." Do you want to see the end result?

That's a retorical question. The brilliance of blogging is that your readers are a captive audience. YOU HAVE TO SEE THE END RESULT!

LOL, omg, so I obviously thought that since I had practiced, I was the Michelangelo of Model Magic and made not one, but TWO manatees. I think this is what I was going for:

FAIL. 

Also, I'm so proud of this little morbid detail. We discussed in class how manatees were endangered because of motor boats hitting them and injuring them. So, naturally, I glommed onto that disgusting bit of imagery and added it to my sculpture. 

It's also missing a flipper and its tail has been glued back on, but that's just due to it being OLD not because of my 6 year old creativity.

Also, I just wanted to show you its horrifyingly skull-like face. Wtf, little self. 

And, this is the really insane part: I WON something for this! I got second place, I think, at the school's art fair. I'm not sure what that says about the school's art judging system, but it's probably not good. 

Anyway, that's where my love of manatees started. Because I know you were all BURNING with curiosity. ;)

Hunt a hare and turn her down the rocky road all the way to Dublin...

I just need to share this because it's so funny. 

So, if you know me, you know that Conan O'Brien is my soulmate and he just doesn't know it yet. 

You may also know that I am Irish. 

And if you've known me for the amount of time that may qualify as "forever," you know that I used to do competitive Irish dancing back in the day. 

 

Oh, yep, there it is. The ONLY reason I'm posting this is as proof that I did actually do this at one point. I'm sure better pics exist, I just don't know where. I really enjoyed it, but I quit to do band instead. I'm not sure if I regret that decision or not. My cousins still do it and they're AWESOMELY good--like, they've competed internationally for world titles. 

ANYWAY, then I see that Conan did this, and my life was that much closer to being complete:

I wish I could get kicked in the face by Conan O'Brien. 

And a song someone sings once upon a December.

This is my favorite thing EVER. I totally grew up on Mr. Bean (thank you, Anglophile parents!), so now when I set up our nativity set, I'm like, "Clearly we need a Dalek and a T-Rex."



The recap of Dracula will be coming either later tonight or tomorrow. I had to write a paper on it last night and so was tired of a) writing and b) Dracula. But stick around...it's coming.

"I saw it on the internet, it must be true."

So something completely stupid that I do is take screencaps of ridiculous ads I see online, because there are a LOT out there (Facebook, I'm looking at you). And I wanted to share my meager and humorous collection with you.


Are you a dumb slut woman? Do you want corsets and carlashes?? CAR LASHES??? Really? And I love how the corset ad is like, "We'll send you our products." Bitch, please. It's probably vitamins. You are not going to get free sexy things, I promise (I have a whole other rant about advertising geared towards women, but that's for another day).



Meanwhile, if you're me and you routinely scour ebay for "boy toys:"

SO SUE ME IF I WANT ALL THE STAR WARS MICRO-MACHINES.



Apparently anything with rainbows is AWESOMESAUCE.



Get rid of wrinkles! Spread POOP on your face!



I love this one...because that demonic baby is DEFINITELY going to incite me to become a social worker.



Apparently, if you love Star Wars and Sherlock Holmes (or anything Facebook snatches from your profile, filthy creepers) you can join a close-knit knowledgeable group of enthusiasts showing off and discussing their latest purchases.



I love this one. But then, it's the Onion, and the Onion's pretty awesome:


Cute. But you can't BUY your way to wizardry. Unless you're Malfoy.


I love this. I'm pretty sure those are 2 unrelated stories, but I like the idea of FIERY RIOTS breaking out over Toy Story 4.


One of these things is not like the others (but I'd vote for The Shat if he ever ran for office):



I also love it when things are INFINITY TIMES larger on Google.



Okay, so those of you who know me or follow me on Facebook/Twitter know I have an ongoing battle. It's Mary vs. Captcha. And I almost always lose. But this time, Captcha threw me a curveball. It started spewing out racial slurs! Wtf, Captcha. Keep it classy, please.



And finally:


NO. Just, no.


Lol, oh, interwebs. You so silly.

If there's one thing I could never confess, it's that I can't dance a single step.

YAY!!!

It's my favorite month! And! And! Today it was actually PLEASANT outside! I mean, I think the high was like 81, so "cool" isn't exactly accurate, BUT STILL! YAY!

In celebration, here's my super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot Happy October/I Can't Believe It's Not Summer dance! Complete with douchebag outfit!

If my mad dance skills drive you to hysterics, it's perfectly okay. I had to do this 3 times because I kept laughing in the middle. AT MY OWN AWESOMENESS.

Happy Potter vs. Loldemort

I have to share some HP lulz with you guys.

LMFAO. HAPPY POTTER?!
funny thing is, the ‘p’ isn’t even close to ‘r’. LOL.

Happy Potter and the Comedian’s Bone
Happy Potter and the Chamber of Chuckles
Happy Potter and the Prisoner of Laughtistan
Happy Potter and the Goblet of Giggles
Happy Potter and the Laughter of Phoenix
Happy Potter and the Half-funny Prince.
Happy Potter and the Hilarious Hallows. 

Credit


Credit




Credit




And finally, the rest are from my favorite HP humor blog (but be ye warned: the subtitle is astoundingly accurate).








That's all for tonight. I won't be posting tomorrow evening, because I'm taking a 2 day vacation. Should be back on here though for Friday night. Because I know you would die of anguish if I missed too many days. Don't fear, guys. I'LL BE BACK.