Great White Snark: Positive feedback is important.

Friday, October 25, 2013

Positive feedback is important.

I love E-bay. I think it's probably the best place to shop ever, because it's like an online thrift store with a bookstore off to the side, as well as a place to buy clothing and jewelry and purses, and where to go to find obscure objects from your childhood that are no longer sold in real life stores. So it's basically like an online New-Used-Vintage-Thrift-Boutique-Museum-and-Bookstore, which is everything I want out of life. 

But every once in a great while, in my browsings, I find the most bizarre things, and I wanted to share some of them with you, for the lols. 

These are all 100% real, and as of "press time," were available to purchase on E-bay.

Peanut M&M from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut.

Description: "This is a real 24 year old peanut m&m from 1989 with a piece of wood inside of it instead of a peanut. Comes with the original wrapper.

When I was 20 years old back in 1989, I bought a pack of peanut m&m's from a vending machine. As I was eating the m&m's, I noticed one of the m&m's had an unusual oblong shape to it. (just over an inch long). I bit into it halfway and saw that the other half of the m&m had what appears to be a piece of wood inside of it, instead of a peanut!"

Asking Price: $3,500 plus free shipping

Commentary: $3,500 for a defective 24 year old M&M??

My entire Back as ur Billboard

Description: "I am A real Tattoo Advertiser  otherwise known as A Human Billboard....This means I get Tattoos of advertisements for Businesses like yours. I am offering My entire back as your Advertising space.   Not A 4"X4" spot....My entire back from shoulder to shoulder and from neck to waist....This will be my largest and most publicized other than my head tat I did for  Which is proof in itself that I live up to what I say I will do. I have never backed out of any deal I have made and have never talked about removing any of my advertisement Tattoos. Never will."

Asking Price: $45,000

Commentary: ...I can't even. 

Pair of peace earrings first worn by future world class cellist
Description: "This is the very first pair of earrings worn by our very own future world class cellist.  While she is acknowledged to be the best cellist in her grade and has earned a perfect score at NYSSMA,  it will take many more years of private lessons to achieve her goal.  All proceeds from this auction will go to the advancement of our budding cello star."

Asking Price: $999.99 plus free shipping

Commentary: I'm pretty sure they couldn't sell Yo-Yo Ma's earrings for $1000, but it's ambitious of them to try.

Proper Folding and Wear of the Tinfoil Hat
Description: "Complete instructions for the proper construction and wear of the protective tin foil hat, including materials, the best brands and types of foils, a size chart, proper construction, safety considerations, even fashion tips!"
Starting Bid: $0.99 plus $0.46 shipping

Commentary: At 99 cents, this is a STEAL. 

Description: "VINTAGE  1960'S CERAMIC WEIRD GUY   #13701
REALLY  NICE!!!!!!!!!!"

Asking Price: $499.99 plus $3.77 shipping

Commentary: Although I love that his title is literally "Weird Guy," I don't think the 10 exclammation points after "REALLY NICE" make this worth $500. He looks like something I've seen in the Goodwill like, a hundred times, although I guess if he's a legit relative of Pac-Man he might be worth that much.

The Secret of Time and Space
Description: "Why does time exist?
How does it exist? True Measurement of Energy!

(This knowledge most certainly comes from the future where it belongs)

A letter will be mailed to you with my Nobel worthy manuscript, not only logically redefining what limits 'light-speed', but the function and mechanism of 'time' itself!"

Asking Price: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: 99 cents seems too cheap for information that certainly comes from the future. If it's not coming from Dr. Who himself, I call shenanigans. 

LIMITED TIME OFFER! One premium Soul
Description: "This soul is a premium, gently used, medium sized soul. This soul may be sold to Satan in exchange for super rock'n roll powers, or whatever else he might offer. Don't get caught in a pinch without your spare soul!
This premium soul also makes a good replacement part for those who may have lost their own."

Starting Bid: $0.99 plus free shipping! 

Commentary: I had no ideas that souls looked like the psychedelic prints hanging inside hippie shops, but it all makes sense now! Also, 99 cents is a steal if you do actually become a rock god. 

 The Ghost Box - Own your own ghost!

 Description: "Our team have collected real ghosts from various cemeteries, haunted houses and other areas where celestial beings conglomerate. We have perfected a “capturing ritual” that forces the ghost into an enclosed area. The inside of the Ghost Box has been treated with a protoplasmic inhibitor which makes it impossible for any spirit to escape from. In addition, a special seal has been placed on the Ghost Box. This seal is called a “Shou” or the Chinese symbol for longevity. The origins of this symbol go back as far as 124 B.C. The original purpose was to seal in evil spirits away from an individual, therefore extending their chances of living longer, better lives.

     All ghosts that we collect are spirits that have been around for ages.They are no longer able to move on to a different realm, be it Heaven, Hell or otherwise. We do not use spirits who have died recently or who have any recollection of their human existence. For this reason, it is perfectly acceptable to name your ghost if you desire to do so. Depending on it’s characteristics, it may or may not respond to a name. And although the ghosts provided have neither male or female characteristics, it may take on such traits to correspond with it’s name, again depending on the nature of the ghost.

Once the seal is broken and the box is opened, you as the owner take on full responsibility for it’s actions. We will not be liable for any actions or reactions of the ghost. If you decide to open the box and release the ghost, you will find another scroll inside describing the ghost held within. This decision should be done wisely, as once the ghost is let out, you cannot put it back in the box.

Custom orders will not be accepted."

Asking Price: $15.99 plus $9.99 shipping

 Commentary: So THIS is how the guys from Ghostbusters are making a living now! I'm just bummed that you can't custom order a ghost. 

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