Life is pain, Highness. Anyone who says otherwise is selling something.

I just finished this book and it was amazing! It's an absolute must-read for fans of the Princess Bride. Cary Elwes is just so stinking charming...you kind of can't help falling in love with him all over again. 

He shares some really interesting facts and anecdotes about the making of the film, which I've always loved. I had a Making of Star Wars VHS that I literally watched until the tape was ruined. So this was right up all of my alleys. 

Some of the most interesting tidbits:

• Everyone really did love making this movie. The book is interspersed with blurbs from the rest of the cast and crew, and they all can only say how much they loved working on this project. 
• Billy Crystal as Miracle Max made Cary Elwes laugh so hard they had to replace his "mostly dead" body with a dummy. He was banished from the set when Billy was filming.
• Andre the Giant was as magical, kind, and HUGE as he appears on film. He was apparently just the nicest guy. One day on set, it was freezing (they filmed on location in England), and Robin Wright was shivering in her red, flowy dress. So Andre went over, placed his enormous hand over her head like a cap, and it warmed her up! 
• Mandy Patinkin (Inigo) and Cary Elwes trained incessantly for the sword duel, and apart from the part where they swing from a bar, the entire duel was performed by both actors, not stuntmen. 
• The scene in the fire swamp where Buttercup's dress catches on fire is actually Robin Wright, and her dress totally did catch on fire. And Cary Elwes did very calmly put it out. 

It was just such a beautiful, joyful, and charming book about a movie that is all the aforementioned adjectives. Absolutely recommend to anyone. 

I also finished Loser by Jerry Spinelli. 

It was a heart-breaking-yet-heart-warming story of a strange boy who has absolutely no idea that he's an oddball. He is, as Spinelli so eloquently put it, "the star of his own life." And aren't we all? This was such a great story...Spinelli is an artist. This book reminded me why I fell so deeply in love with Stargirl. Fans of his other books should definitely check this one out. Not sure where I'd catalog it now that I've read it...it's technically a children's book, but it's just such a work of art that I'm not sure every child would appreciate its depth and beauty. There's not much in the way of plot or major excitement, but I'd definitely recommend it to the right readers. 

I re-named the Recycle Bin on my computer "Azkaban" so that way, whenever I throw something out, it's like, "Are you sure you want to send this file to Azkaban?" And I'm like, "YEAH, I AM THE WIZENGAMOT, HAHAH."

The road goes ever on and on...

I decided this summer to read these books, because, CONFESSION: I never had. 

Well, that's not entirely true. 

I blitzed through Fellowship in my freshman year of high school and attempted to read The Hobbit in 5th grade, but I skipped all the boring singing and boring dwarves and just went straight to the "Riddles in the Dark" chapter, then skipped again until Smaug came up. So it doesn't really count.

Now that I have a degree in ENGLISH and LITERATURE, I thought I'd make use of it and attempt again. 

I was 12 when the Fellowship of the Ring movie came out, and it had a pretty profound effect on my middle school and early high school years. I LOVE the films (still do), so unfortunately, I had them color my view of book-version Middle Earth. 

That being said, this isn't really a book review, but more a comparison between the films and the books. 

What I have to do though is give credit to Peter Jackson for making all the worlds in these books feel so real. Tolkein is a brilliant writer, but he is, first and foremost, a scholar, professor, and philologist, and his books read a bit like textbooks at times. He's a storyteller second to all that. His story is brilliant, but I won't lie: there are parts in the books that are just dry. They're confusing, and the only way I got through them is because I had a visual in my mind from the movies, for which I have to thank Peter Jackson. He dissected the dry, boring bits and instead of going hog-wild with his imagination, tried to make it look and feel as real as Tolkein wrote it. Every city, particularly the Shire, Gondor and Rohan, has a deep history, its own language, its own people, and Jackson did a really good job conveying that on film in a way that was a little dull to read about for eight pages at a time. Like, Helm's Deep for example. It's described in such an odd way in the books, but in the movies, you know exactly what it is and what it looks like, so it was helpful for me to have that image when I was trying to form a picture based off Tolkein's words. 

That's the other thing about Tolkein. He writes for pages about things, but overall, he's not very descriptive. Take, for instance, the problem of Gollum's appearance. In The Hobbit, Tolkein aptly describes his lamp-like eyes, his hissing voice, his creeptacular crawling...but completely omits any information about his size! So illustrators made him HUGE (see various illustrations here). And there's a lot of passages like that. Tolkein gets very caught up in the history, names, and languages, but fails to describe simple details that help the reader IMAGINE the world as they're reading. 

So thank you, Peter Jackson, for taking the time to make this all feel genuine and in keeping with the books. Because for all the criticisms the films receive from die-hard book fans, he really did a very good job keeping a very "Tolkein-esque" feel to the films and characters. 

Also, I feel the casting was pretty near flawless...EXCEPT FOR FRODO! In the books, Frodo is like, 50 years old. Which is still pretty young for a hobbit, but did they really have to cast 19 year old Elijah Wood??? I mean, he's got very sad eyes and was really good at showing Frodo's struggle and decline as the ring takes more and more hold over him (he was also good at lying on the ground for approximately 85% of the films). But he's just so young! I had a hard time rectifying my imagining of book-Frodo with movie-Frodo. Other than that, the cast was pretty darn flawless (especially Saruman, Gandalf, Pippin, Galadriel, and Boromir). 

Things They Left Out of the Movie:

-Tom Bombadil, the Barrow Wights, and all that: it was a nice part of the story, but it really serves no purpose in furthering the plot. Nothing happens there that really shapes the characters in any significant way, and he never reappears later in the story. I'm actually glad they didn't leave it in the films simply because it would've taken up more film space and again, it didn't really serve any purpose, except to show that Bombadil is essentially everything that Sauron is not. If Gandalf is the foil to Saruman, Tom Bombadil is the essence of peace in the world before Sauron and the ring(s). 

-Sam and Frodo's relationship: no, I don't mean GAY subtext. I mean, in the books, Sam is definitely Frodo's servant. In the movies, you get the sense that they're kind of like BFF's, but Sam is most definitely employed (albeit lovingly) by the Bagginses and their relationship is absolutely that of master-servant. He calls Frodo "master" throughout like, the entire series. I am ambivalent in this regard. I liked them as besties in the movies, and their relationship worked really well in the books, too. I dislike the film one only because it feels like they censored that out to make it more P.C.

-All of the freaking singing: seriously. So. Much. SINGING. This is why I couldn't get through The Two Towers in high school. I was like, "Legolas, SHUT YOUR FACE." I like it in the books because it makes it seem even more legendary and lore-like. Thank God they didn't film all of this singing, though. It would've been very silly. 

-Shelob happens in the Two Towers: I was totally unprepared for that, thinking that because I'd seen the movies, I knew how it was going to go. HOW FOOLISH I WAS. And Tolkein literally ends that book on SUCH a cliff-hanger. It's like, "Frodo got taken into Mordor, Sam thought he was dead and was totally depressed, but little did he know Frodo was actually alive. The end!" That bugger. 

-Saruman's canon death: in the books, he's killed within the last 20 pages of Return of the King, in the Shire, by Grima Wormtongue (who is then slain by angry hobbits). I don't even remember what happens to him in the movies, but I know that WASN'T it. 

-Prince Imrahil: Faramir's uncle and kind of a badass, who was completely left out of the films. Read about him here.

-Faramir and Eowyn's love story: which could have been its own story it's so epic. It was very Arthurian in nature and takes place while they're both healing from battle wounds in Gondor. I really wish they'd shown it. I wish they'd made a whole separate movie of it. Dang! 

-The Scouring of the Shire: we see about 3 seconds of this in Galadriel's mirror, but it's actually a pretty major part of the book. There's a whole other battle that goes on in the Shire, and while I was heartbroken at first, I like this part, because it shows how far-reaching Sauron's evil influence was, and how incredibly hearty and awesome the hobbits are as a race. 

Things They Added to the Movie:

-Everything about Arwen: I love movie Arwen. I love Liv Tyler and I won't even pretend that Arwen wasn't my main sartorial inspiration for like 2 years after the movie came out. But omg, she literally says ONE THING in the entire trilogy of books! She is not this awesome, badass, water-horse-summoning Elf woman. Nah. She's pretty. And she sits quietly next to Elrond and her brothers (also not in the film) and makes sad eyes at Aragorn. And that's about it, until she marries him in Return of the King where she utters like, one line to Frodo. SO DISAPPOINTING. That being said, Eowyn was the progressive, strong female character I wanted to see in Arwen. But I won't complain because at least there was ONE in there, which is pretty good considering this was written during WWII. 

-Epic maneuvers in the Mines of Moria: this scene takes up a good chunk of the movie, presumably to give a big build up to Gandalf's "death." In the book, it was like, 4 pages. The Council of Elrond was about two and a half chapters, for comparison.

-That whole scene with the Wargs when Aragorn somehow ends up in a river, and then ultimately ends up back at Helm's Deep: this literally did not happen even a little bit.

-Elves at Helm's Deep: also didn't happen. And I liked it better that way, because that was a battle for men to win, and to show the desolation of the situation. There was no aid from anyone. They were on their own against scores of orcs and Uruk-hai. It was scary, and they were, to quote the Avengers, "hilariously outgunned." 

-Legolas shield-surfing: needless to say, Tolkein didn't write this, either. 

-Most of the stuff that happens with Faramir, Frodo, and Sam: Ringwraiths don't attack the city. There is no scene where they escape through the sewers. It's all pretty subdued in the books, actually. But they do a great job describing Faramir, and I do really like his character (and I like how well David Wenham played him). 

Pretty much everything else was spot-on. Also, can I say how glad I am we waited until we had proper Gollum technology? Because he's SO CREEPY in both the films and the books, and I still do not have any sympathy for him and will probably always pee my pants a little whenever he shows up. 

Guys, I could write like, a book on my thoughts on Lord of the Rings. It's just SO GOOD. If you've never read it, please give it a try. I ended up listening to portions of it on audio, just to help me get through it, but it's so worth it. This is the ultimate piece of fantasy literature (and a lot of parallels exist between this and Harry Potter, just saying), and if you enjoy the genre or the movies at all, PLEASE at least try to read them. They're incredible. I laughed out loud, I was in suspense (even though I'd seen the movies, and THAT is good storytelling right there), I cried when it was over...I'm totally sad they're over. I'm having a major book hangover. 

Also this accurately sums up my life right now: 

So amazing. 

Ála tira acca haiya! Mal si a vanya as márë órelyar! Namárië, ar nai aistalë Eldar ar Atani ar ilyë Léralieron hilya le! Eleni sílar antalyannar!

The more we waste time on the internet together, the happier we'll be. Cause my links are your links....

I literally haven't done one of these since 2011, so I think we're overdue for some sharing of time-wasting internet things. 

• This is a game where you're a giraffe who has to stretch his neck to give kisses to other giraffes. If that doesn't make you smile, then you probably have no soul. Or you're Voldemort, and have broken your soul into 7 pieces with some seriously dark magic. 
• How women saved Star Trek and are generally awesome at being geeks and not giving two flips. 
• On the topic of boldly going and all that, I think the title of this article does a good job summing this up: Would you sign up to die on Mars? But in other news, GUYS. WE ARE GOING TO LIVE ON OTHER PLANETS. THIS IS LIKE STAR WARS ACTUALLY HAPPENING (so where is my Han Solo?? R2-D2?). Of course we're wrecking it by making it a reality show, which is very Asimov-ian of us, but what'd you expect.
• A good and very relevant article about comparing yourself to others (especially in regards to social media) and how we need to cut it out.
• I don't know if I'd go so far as to say I'm "dating myself," but this article has some good ideas about how to actually enjoy being single. Which seriously, why haven't I written a book on this yet?
• Also, I don't think I need 8 reasons to wear a petticoat, because the word "petticoat" is a good enough reason.
• And finally, this might be the most perfect Tumblr in existence. 

Enjoy! And if you have any cool sites, games, articles, etc. please share in the comments! Because sharing is caring. Except when it comes to herpes. 

Whenever I want to feel like I'm far away....

I simultaneously open up these three tabs:

http://www.rainymood.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyU3bRy2x44

http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=sf-LMHrslHw

And then I adjust the volume on the music to about halfway there, so the rain and fireplace are more prominent and I pretend I'm a Lord. Or Duchess, as the case may be. 

Or sometimes, I use violin music and pretend I'm actually in 221B. 

Or Madam, as the case may be. 

Green is the colour

I've been really inspired by hunter/forest/dark green lately. It's such an enchanting color. It reminds me of mystery, magic, the woods, and Slytherin (of course). 

Also, I'm looking for a purse in this shade, so if any of my shopping minions come across one for under $40, let me know. ;)

Minion love for my minions, GET IT??

Sooo, in my internet exploration yesterday, I discovered that you can buy (cheap!) yoga mats from CafePress. And I wanted to share my favorites, because sharing is caring. 

Sassypants Betsey Johnson-esque leopard:

 Two koi (which I liked since I'm a Pisces):

 Classical nature print:

 Edgar Allan Poe Yoga!!!

 Some pretty scroll-looking design:

Shakespearean insults:  

 Pink Trekkie:

 Water:

And this one, which I made and ordered ($16 is SOOO worth a Jedi yoga mat), because yoga is basically Jedi-training without lightsabers:

This one was my favorite, but a) it was $55 on Etsy, and b) it's sold out! =(

I think my Force mat is a good substitute. :) 

(Oh my god, I think my nerdiness just reached a whole new level.)

GPOY.

Who's scruffy lookin'?

I own more Star Wars shirts than anyone who isn't a) George Lucas, or b) a 7 year old boy has any right to. 

Geek life.

Accurate:

Credit.

Gift Ideas Under $50 for Certain People But Probably Not Everyone.

Hey, all!

I thought I'd do a collection of some unique and quirky Christmas gift ideas I've found and center them around a few of the different types of people on your list. And here's the best part: they're all under $50! Sorry I didn't get this up sooner, but a lot of these places ARE guaranteeing Christmastime shipping! So act soon!

Without further ado, Christmas present ideas for....



The Geek/Internet Addict


(1. Big Bang Theory Shirt, 2. LOL Magnetz, 3. Tumblr Sticker, 4. Nyan Cat Earrings, 5. Geeky Dreamboats Book, 6. Robot Unicorn Attack Shirt.)

Lol, this one is just fun stuff! I hate the video, but I love the Nyan Cat earrings...they're so unique. I thought the "Everyday I'm Tumblin'" sticker was super clever for the Tumblr addict on your list, and I especially love the lol magnets. I WILL have them if/when I ever move out.
Also: BAZINGA.






Animal Lover


(1. Hidden Owl Teacup,2. Elk Necklace, 3. Fox Slippers, 4. Woodland Animals Ring Set, 5. DIY Dog Biscuits, 6. Owl Earrings, 7. Animal Calendars.)

I like everything in this set, but the owl earrings are my favorites. I also really like the set of 3 rings. You get a fox, a deer, and an owl! So cute!
The Bake Your Own Dog Treats are an awesome idea, even for men. This is especially true if you know a couple with a dog. And the fox slippers, which are adorable, are actually for guys! So there are a couple guy-ish things there, too, which is awesome. GUYS CAN LIKE THE FLUFFY ANIMALS, TOO.




Girlie-Girl



(1. Rudolph Chapstick, 2. Pink Cuckoo Clock, 3. Sephora Perfume Sampler, 4. Hello Kitty USB, 5. Cupcake Dental Floss, 6. Betsey Johnson Slippers.)

Okay, this is the section with the best deals (in my opinion, but it's my blog so my opinion is really the only one that counts). The Sephora perfume sampler is so cool! It comes with sample sizes of the company's best-selling fragrances of the year, along with a reusable atomizer. AND, the best part is, you get a voucher for one full-size perfume to redeem later, so she can pick which perfume she likes best and then get the big size! It's so worth $50, especially if you have a perfume addict BFF or girlfriend.
I also love the Betsey Johnson slippers, and the Rudolph lip balm would make
a great set of stocking stuffers!

Also, cupcake-flavored floss exists. The end.



Jedi


(1. Family Guy Blue Harvest Trilogy, 2. The Jedi Path Book, 3. Epic T-Shirt, 4. Han Solo Ice Cube Trays, 5. How to Speak Wookie, 6. Star Wars Purse, 7. Christmas Plushies, 8. Droid USB's.)

This one's obviously near and dear to my heart. I wanted to find some things that weren't your everyday Star Wars merch. I think the Han Solo ice tray is AWESOME, and they also have an R2-D2 one! As shown, you can use them for more than jut ice, so YAY. I also really want to get the Jedi Path book at some point, just because it's STAR WARS and BOOK all in one. Also, I want to be a Jedi. There are so many Star Wars t-shirts in existence it's not even funny. Seriously, if you're looking for one, utilize the internet! ThinkGeek, Etsy, Hot Topic and 80's Tees are phenomenal places to look. And for the Star Wars nerd who has everything, the Family Guy trilogy is hilarious. Just saying.




Student


(1. Predict-a-Pen, 2. Caffeinated Cocoa, 3. F in Exams Book, 4. Snarky Journal, 5. Old School Pencil Case, 6. WTF Sticky Notes.)

I thought this would be a cute idea for younger siblings, those people in sororities that you adopt as a non-biological sibling, or anyone who's in high school or college. I had no idea that you could add CAFFEINE to hot chocolate, but whoever invented this deserves a prize. Also, the Predict-a-Pen is like a Magic 8 Ball you can write with! And then, you can put it in a sweet vintagey pencil case (which could easily be swapped out for Lisa Frank or something for girls). Top it off with the WTF sticky notes (one of my personal fav items) and one of the snarky Mental Floss notebooks, and you're good to go!



Hope this was marginally helpful, or at least entertaining. You've got 5 DAYS until Christmas. Make the most of them!

Dracula, Part I: When in Transylvania...

So, I finished my last novel EVER required for my B.A. I'm pretty excited, but I'm also a little sad, because now I don't know what to read. I've been told what to read for the last four and a half years...I'm afraid I don't really know what I like to read anymore. I have a general idea, but it'll take me a while to get into a reading niche now that it's not obscure novels from the 1700's.

Anyway, the very last book I had to read was Dracula, which is so perfect and I think it's a great ending to the journey of getting my lit degree. Anyway, I absolutely love this book. I read it for the first time in high school and was enamored with it then, but reading it with four years of lit crit under my belt made it THAT much better.

And there is no good movie version of this to watch. I've seen the BBC version from like, 1979, and it is heinously corny. I also attempted to watch the 1992 version with Gary Oldman, which was, admittedly, extremely accurate to the book. However, it was also extremely gory, so I only ended up being able to watch about an hour total of it (I jumped around a lot). But what I saw was good. They got the tone right, and actually, Gary Oldman totally looks like Dracula in the book...at least in the beginning with the white bun hair and hairy palms.

This part? NOT SO MUCH. Creative license, ftw.

Actually, there was a lot of creative license taken. Which is frustrating, because the storyline and whatnot was pretty accurate. Curse you, Hollywood and Coppola.

Also, it's hard to watch Dracula when you're thinking of Sirius Black the entire time. I digress.

Anyway, omg, if you haven't ever read Dracula, wtf are you doing. Get off my blog, go to the library, and read it over Christmas. There's snow in it. So it's a Christmas story now.




I know none of you will actually do this, so I'm going to summarize the story. There are a lot of characters, so it helps to visualize them. Here's my dream cast of who I pictured in my head when reading Dracula.

Okay, so these are the people I pictured almost exactly. I think if Keauea Reeves and Adrien Brody had a lovechild, he could play Jonathan Harker (well done, casting dept. of the '92 Dracula movie). Also, I try not to picture Renfield because he's totally gross, but someone like Crispin Glover or Robert Carlyle would do well with the alternating between manic and civilized. And there is no one on earth creepy enough to play Dracula. So just picture whoever you want. As long as it's not R-Patz.

OKAY. Enough of that.

So. The story starts with Jonathan Harker going to Transylvania to help finalize the sale of some property in England to one Count Dracula. On his way over, all the Romanian gypsies keep throwing crucifixes at him and telling him to wear them. He's just like, "whatever, supersitious peasants, for I am a Protestant and have no need for such iconography." But he keeps one anyway. GOOD THING, TOO.

So, at night (because why on earth would any sane Englishman travel during the day?), a carriage comes to pick him up and take him to Castle Dracula. The driver doesn't speak, but he can control wolves, so that's kind of creepy. Oh, and the carriage drives through pillars of blue flame. And he drives like a maniac. So Jonathan is creeped out but remains incredibly stoic and English through the whole thing.

Then the carriage stops at the castle door, lets him out, then goes driving off. Then, a few minutes later, the door opens and it's Count Dracula. Now, Dracula in the book does not look like Bela Lugosi. He's like, old, with a white moustache and white hair and hairy palms and no complexion and super white teeth. He does sound like Bela Lugosi, though, so that's cool.

Anyway, he's all like, polite and old aristocracy and invites Harker in and feeds him this super fantastic meal. But he begs off eating because he ate earlier. Ah ah ah. Then he shows Harker to his room and goes to bed. It's like 5 in the morning at this point.

So over the next couple of days, Harker and the Count finalize the purchase of the Count's English property and they study English together and all that. Then the Count is like, "Write to everyone you love and tell them you'll be here a month. I need to brush up on my English." And Harker's like, "Wtf, bro, your English is perfect." And the Count insists. So Dracula forces him to write these letters, and he does.

Then, when he's shaving, Harker cuts himself and Dracula flips a biscuit and locks him in his bedroom. Jonathan now realizes this isn't your normal stay at a Transylvanian B&B. He understands he's a prisoner now. He looks out the window and sees the Count sidling down the wall like a lizard.

And the stiff upper lip goes out the window.

So does his condemnation of crucifixes. He starts wearing his and hanging it over his bed.

Everyone in this book keeps magnificent diaries, btw. It's an epistolary novel, which is cool, because it's told through letters, diaries and newspaper articles.

So after his little Spiderman stunt, the Count comes back to feed Jonathan, and then tells him not to fall asleep anywhere in the castle except for his room, because otherwise he might have a bad dream. Deciding a bad dream isn't so bad, Harker goes exploring and finds a dusty old girls' room and falls asleep. And there, he's accosted by Dracula's three vampire brides. This scene gets over-sexualized a lot in movies, but it really is a very smutty scene...for the 1800's and all. So they come and writhe around and want to bite him and come like *this* close to doing so when the Count comes back and banishes them. Oh, he does feed them an infant though. Which is gross. Harker awakens in his room and bemoans the fact that he'll probably die there. He writes sad letters to his fiancee, Mina Murray, in shorthand. And the Count, even though he intercepts all of Harker's letters, can't read the shorthand. Baller.

So like, a month passes and Harker's going insane being locked up and realizing that Dracula and his three sexy brides are eating up all the village's children. So he breaks out of his room one day and goes to the church's chapel, where he finds Dracula's coffin. He opens it, and inside is the Count and he's like, GORGED with blood. Stoker describes it so wickedly:
"The cheeks were fuller, and the white skin seemed ruby-red underneath. The mouth was redder than ever, for on the lips were gouts of fresh blood, which trickled from the corners of the mouth and ran down over the chin and neck. Even the deep, burning eyes seemed set amongst swollen flesh, for the lids and pouches underneath were bloated. It seemed as if the whole awful creature were simply gorged with blood. He lay like a filthy leech, exhausted with his repletion."
EWWW!!!

So then some more unimportant but sufficiently creepy stuff happens and Harker decides he's getting the hell out of dodge, or he's gonna die trying.



I'm going to finish this in 3 parts, because no one's actually going to sit here and read the whole thing. BUT IT'S GOOD and worth summarizing. So look for parts 2 (Meanwhile, in Merry Old England) and 3 (Hang on to Your Crosses, Boys!) within the next couple of days. :)

{Part II.}
{Part III.}

Have fun storming the castle!

L-R: Wallace Shawn (Vezzini), Billy Crystal and Carol Kane (Miracle Max and Valerie), Chris Sarandon (Prince Humperdinck), Cary Elwes (Westley), Robin Wright (Buttercup), Mandy Patinkin (Inigo Montoya), and Christopher Guest (The 6-Fingered Man). Andre the Giant and Peter Falk photographed.

I'm sorry, I just absolutely had to post this. My creys!

"It finally answers the question, WHAAT???"

I just finished this book, The Monk, and it would be criminal of me NOT to write about it. I've had the pic of the cover on my sidebar...the one of Satan dragging a monk through the sky by his skull? Yeah, that's the one. I don't really even know how I feel about it...like...whoa. I'll just summarize.

Okay, so this book is about a monk (WHOA, right?). And he's not just like some random monk. He is the HOLIEST guy in Madrid. Like, probably the holiest guy in the whole world save the Pope. Also, this book was written by Protestants who hated Catholics, and really, you can't have a gothic book with Protestants because they're too staunch and no fun. With Catholics you can have all kinds of fun with nuns and abbeys and saints and spirits and stuff.

Well, I'd gathered from the summary of the book and the intro that the story would be based around the Monk's decline from holiness into sin. So naturally I'm like,


The Monk's best (and only) friend in the monastery is Rosario, a noviciate (monk-to-be). He's young and broody and tragic so the Monk feels bad for him. Well, one day, he comes across Rosario crying bitterly and he asks why and Rosario reveals that he is, in fact, A WOMAN! Named MATILDA!


So she's all distressed because the Monk is the only friend she has in the world and she will DEFINITELY be banished for sneaking around the monastery dressed up as a woman. So she's tearing her hair and robes in distress, and the Monk sees her boob. So naturally, he has to sleep with her now because she had SUCH an awesome boob.

So a lot of crap happens and he sleeps with Matilda. But like, not just once. He becomes a raving sex maniac. And within like 3 days, he grows tired of Matilda and wants to see if other women are as awesome in the sack. Luckily for him, because he's the "holiest" guy in Madrid, all the single beautiful women (and their moms and aunts) go to him for confession. So he hears confession from this one girl, Antonia, and he falls desperately in lust with her. And he determines to sleep with her no matter what.

Matilda figures this out and she's like, "yeah, that's cool. I'll help you."

I don't even. But conveniently, it turns out that Matilda is not only a poser-monk and a sex goddess with amazing ta-ta's, but she's also a sorceress. Whee! So she drags the monk into the catacombs (because clearly this is where you need to be to do magic), and leaves him to go into a chamber to summon some demons. She comes back with a silver myrtle branch and tells him that if he breathes 3 times on the myrtle branch and says Antonia's name and then places it under her pillow, she'll fall into a death-like sleep and he'll be able to RAPE HER. AND HE AGREES THAT THIS IS A LEGIT PLAN.

Oh, also, the branch can open any doors. So hooray for that.

So he goes to Antonia's house, breaks in with his magical satanic branch of lechery, and puts her to sleep. And he's just about to do the deed when KNOCK KNOCK, who's there? It's ANTONIA'S MOTHER. And she catches him about to rape her daughter and she's outraged and tries to get help and oust him to the whole city. And then he grabs Antonia's pillow and SMOTHERS THE MOM. To death. In her daughter's bedroom.

Well, then there's some epic descriptions of her eyes bulging out of her head and her skin turning black, so I'm guessing that put him out of the mood. And he runs off leaving the corpse and the sleeping girl in the room.

He returns to Matilda and she's basically like "omg you pussy." And she shows him a magic mirror which reveals Antonia going to take a bath (it's the magical mirror of perversion). And he's overcome with lust again and determines to have Antonia NO MATTER WHAT. So then a bunch of stuff happens, I don't really remember, but eventually he ends up in the catacombs with Matilda again and she's drawing pentagrams and cutting herself and then Satan appears. And the Monk is all like, "This is so not a good idea." And Satan's like, "Nah, I'll help you sleep with Antonia." So then the Monk is like, "Jk, this is cool."

The entire plot of this book happens over the course of like 10 days, btw.

This middle part gets kind of fuzzy because there's two other subplots going on. But eventually, the Monk poisons Antonia, kidnaps her, and takes her down into the catacombs and he does eventually rape her. It's a really horrible scene for a 1700's book. Then, it turns out there are riots in the streets because the Prioress of the adjoining convent tortured and killed a pregnant woman (this book is so insane), so the catacombs are being invaded by insurrectionists. Antonia starts screaming for help, and not wanting to get caught the Monk STABS HER. AFTER RAPING HER.

At this point I'm just like:


So then Matilda comes into the catacombs and they're trapped by the rebels, and they get caught and sent to the Inquisition (another great Catholic thing that wouldn't be as effective if this story had taken place in a Protestant church). They're both put on trial and eventually Matilda confesses and she's sentenced to be burned at the stake. On the night before her execution she shows up in the Monk's cell and he's like, "How did you escape?" and she's like, "I sold my soul to Satan. It's totally awesome! Here's the big book of Satanism if you decide you want to do the same thing." He's like, "WHHHAAATTT??" and then she just disappears, because apparently you can do stuff like that if you have no soul. Or if Satan owns your soul, rather. So the Monk is in torment because he KNOWS he's going to hell anyway, but he doesn't want to abandon the hope of God's mercy entirely. Then the next day he's also sentenced to burn at the stake. And is absolutely terrified of this. So like, 2 seconds before they come to get him, he summons Satan with the book and agrees to sell over his soul in return for escape. Satan also promises him an awesome life full of luxury, but you probably shouldn't believe everything that SATAN tells you.

So after he signs over his soul with his own blood, Satan poofs him away to a cliff. And the Monk's like, "Hold on. Where's Matilda and all the luxury and awesomeness?" And Satan's like, "Lol, jk! Matilda was a demon in disguise and I sent her to be your downfall and lead you to me. And she totally did! Also, just FYI, that girl you raped? She was your sister. And you strangled your mom to death. So, sucks to be you!" I'm just like:


SO THEN, Satan sinks his talons into the Monk's brain (Satan has claws, apparently) and flies him over this rocky cavern where he drops him. And the Monk literally hits every stone on the way down and lands in a bloody pulp at the bottom. And he's paralyzed. And then bugs come and start to eat him alive over the course of a week and an eagle plucks out his eyes. And then a river floods and drowns him.


As I said before, there's a whole nice subplot with the decent man who's in love with Antonia, and his sister who turns out to be the pregnant woman tortured by the evil Prioress. But NONE of that is as shocking as the whole Monk and Matilda bit.

This book is a total HEAD TRIP. I don't even know...like...WHAT. It was extremely well-written, and I think I enjoyed it just because I can imagine what ladies of sensibility did in 1796 upon reading it. It was banned for a while, and I am not surprised. AT ALL. Some of those scenes were really intense and gruesome, even by today's standards. Usually authors of old gloss over those bits but NO. Matthew Lewis (NOT the guy who played Neville Longbottom) goes all out and describes it all in grand and glorious detail.

I just think it's interesting, because really, we haven't changed at all. This was like the 1700's version of the Charlie Sheen meltdown. We still LOVE to read about people who are on top of the world have a MAJOR fall from grace. We love it when seemingly good people go shaved-headed, paparazzi-beating, seven-mistresses, tiger blood and Adonis DNA on us. This is the same thing. Minus a glossy cover and full color photographs.


Overall, I had two reactions:
1. In which my brain is the airplane and the shark is this book.

2.




Do I recommend it? Hmm. I mean, it was really well-written, and I absolutely couldn't put it down. Some parts of it were hysterical because it was just like, "Is this SERIOUSLY happening right now??" Overall, no, I don't think I would because it'd make me look like some kind of sicko. As Bethany put it, "If someone had written that today, they'd be arrested."
Probably.

If there's one thing I could never confess, it's that I can't dance a single step.

YAY!!!

It's my favorite month! And! And! Today it was actually PLEASANT outside! I mean, I think the high was like 81, so "cool" isn't exactly accurate, BUT STILL! YAY!

In celebration, here's my super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot Happy October/I Can't Believe It's Not Summer dance! Complete with douchebag outfit!

If my mad dance skills drive you to hysterics, it's perfectly okay. I had to do this 3 times because I kept laughing in the middle. AT MY OWN AWESOMENESS.