Great White Snark: Dracula, Part III: Hang on to Your Crosses, Boys!

Monday, December 5, 2011

Dracula, Part III: Hang on to Your Crosses, Boys!

I just got a 98 on my Dracula paper!
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So to celebrate, I'm gonna finish my synopsis. And if any of you need to know about the relationship between technology and tradition, hit me up. ;)

Okay, so we left off with the extremely violent and off-puttingly gruesome death of Lucy Westenra, and the Good Team (or "The Team For Light" as lit critics like to call them...) all chilling out in Dr. Seward's asylum. Because a bed and breakfast is too mainstream for Stoker.

During this time, Mina unseals Jonathan's diary and reads it, and is shocked and horrified to find out that he encountered the same beastie that killed Lucy. However, she has hope that Van Helsing can help them defeat him, so she meets secretly with Van Helsing and gives him Jonathan's diary to read.
No, but seriously, it helps tremendously with the case and Van Helsing assures her he will help them kill Dracula.

So they're all back in the madhouse, reading each other's diaries and trying to figure out some clues as to how they can catch Dracula when Mina has the brilliant idea of typing everyone's various notes and extremely detailed diaries into one chronological document so they can actually SEE the series of events. Point 1 for Team Woman.

So she does this and they analyze a bunch of stuff. They have a meeting and decide the men need to go be manly and do stuff while Mina should stay home. Alone. Unprotected. In an insane asylum. Where we KNOW Dracula is visiting one of the patients (Renfield). But this is a legit idea, because she might be endangered if she came out vampire hunting with them.

Point retraction for Team Woman.

So the men all take off and start scouring London for traces of the Count. Because Harker sold him his house, he knows where he lives. And Arthur (aka: Lord Godalming) uses his money and newly inherited title to get stuff done.

Meanwhile, Mina starts having bad dreams and a creeping mist keeps coming into her bedroom and she starts getting tired and pale and sleeping all the time. AND NO ONE FINDS THIS SUSPICIOUS.

So basically, in order for Dracula to live in London, he had to have 50 boxes of consecrated soil shipped over from his chapel in Transylvania. He needs these to rest in or else, I dunno, he starts sparkling or something. So the men decide that tracking the whereabouts of the boxes will lead them to Dracula. They do some sneaking and breaking and entering, and manage to eventually locate most of the boxes. Apart from one.

During this time, Mina has visited Renfield in an attempt to discover anything about the count. Nothing much happened. The men (except for Harker, who stayed home that day for some reason) come home one day to find Renfield lying in a pool of his own blood. He admits to Van Helsing that Dracula has been visiting him regularly and promising him "life" (or blood) to feed him in return for his obedience. Though why Dracula picked a mental patient with a fly-eating fetish, I'll never know. He also tells them that Dracula's been feeding off Mina, too. He dies and no one cares.

They rush upstairs to the Harker's room and find the door locked. They bust it down (LIKE A BOSS) and see a hideous scene. Jonathan is lying by the window unconscious, and Dracula is in the room, holding Mina to an open wound on his chest and forcing her to drink his blood. She's in a trance, and her whole front is covered in blood, and she has open neck wounds too, implying that he's fed from her. Van Helsing whips out his trusty communion wafers and the Count retreats. They later discover he ransacked their papers, but luckily for them they had the foresight to keep duplicate copies in a safe (what.).

So this is horrible because now Mina is like, well on her way to becoming a vampire. She and Jonathan share some very lengthy proclamations of eternal love and a lot of very sad and meaningful glances. Van Helsing attempts to bless Mina with a communion wafer, but it burns her skin and she runs around hysterically for a while calling herself "unclean."

The men find all the boxes and put communion wafers in them so Dracula can't rest in them any more. They're only missing one. Also, I don't know where Van Helsing gets this endless supply of consecrated hosts. Does he ROB churches? Does he have a friend who's a priest with sweet hookups? I don't get it.

So anyway, they realize eventually that Dracula has packed up the remaining box and is shipping it (and himself, inside it) back to Transylvania. They realize this because Dracula has infected Mina's subconscious, so if she gets Van Helsing to hypnotize her, they can access Dracula's thoughts.

Just when you thought this book couldn't get any weirder.

So everyone decides to board a ship and go to Transylvania. They get there way ahead of the Count's ship (Arthur the Lord keeps bugging all the shipping ports to give him progress reports of the Count's ship's progress. Bro, please. They didn't have cell phones! What do you think this, the freaking 21st century??) and decide to stalk the box all the way back to the castle until they get an opportunity to get him. Because he's in the box, and they have crucifixes and communion wafers and they can keep him in there until they decapitate him and stab a massive stake through his heart.

My reaction to the method of killing vampires:
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So anyway, eventually the box arrives, but it's surrounded by people, so they decide to bide their time and split up. The box is transported to Castle Dracula via river. Seward and Quincey go down one side of the river on horseback, and Jonathan and Harker rent a boat. Mina and Van Helsing go to the castle in a carriage to destroy the brides of Dracula.

Only Harker and Arthur screw up royally and wreck the boat, so they end up going on horseback, too.

Meanwhile, while these other bozos are out getting saddle sores and wrecking entire steamboats, Van Helsing single-handedly kills the three vampire brides. But not before almost succumbing to their tempting beauty. But he doesn't. Because he's a BAMF.
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Mina and Van Helsing are really close to the castle now, and so is the box of earth and Dracula. It's started snowing, so Van Helsing puts Mina in a cave for shelter. She watches from a distance as the box and its small army of gypsies transporting it arrives. It's being stalked by the men, who reunited on the way. She watches as they ambush the caravan and a lot of fighting goes on, but it's extremely anticlimactic. Quincey is injured, but he and Harker perform incredible feats of strength and get to the box, pry it open and Quincey gets Dracula in the heart while Harker simultaneously decapitates him.

Then it's over. Quincey dies of his injuries, and Mina and Jonathan reveal in the epilogue that they named their son after him.

So like, ALL OF THAT leads up to literally two pages of climax, falling action and conclusion. Oh, Stoker. You so silly.
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Anyway, that concludes the Dracula synopsis. Snark and stupid graphics and gif's aside, it's really an awesome book...I can't recommend it enough.

{Part I.}
{Part II.}

I have a couple Christmassy posts planned, so stay tuned!

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