Dracula + Sherlock Holmes = ???

My sado-masochistic relationship with Holmes pastiches continues, even though I keep telling myself I don't like it. But secretly, I think I do. 

No, really, I keep hoping I'll find one, JUST ONE, that doesn't totally suck. 

This one came SO. CLOSE. 

My Dad got me this for Christmas, and I was so hopeful. I mean, Dracula AND Sherlock Holmes?! Even if it wasn't faithful to either of the originals, HOW COULD THIS BE A BAD THING?? And then it was by Saberhagen, who I think I read in my sci-fi class (if it wasn't my sci-fi class it was somewhere, but I don't recall where). 

So I start it and it's actually very good. You get the feel of London, the crime isn't outrageous to the point that it couldn't happen, everyone was pretty in character...except Dracula, but how does one write Dracula in character? It's not like Stoker spent a lot of time describing his habits or feelings. He just is. And I applaud Saberhagen for giving him a person outside of being a wall-scaling-blood-sucking creep. 

So we're tramping along, everything is going well. Then we get introduced to the remaining members of The Team for Light and what they're doing after the supposed killing of Dracula. Highly silly, because I don't believe for a minute that Arthur Holmwood/Lord Godalming and Jack Seward somehow ended up in London's underground dog/rat fighting circles. They were really crazily OOC and that bothered me, Dracula being one of my favorite books. 

Then comes the punch line, which I will spoil here. 

SPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERSSPOILERS

Sherlock Holmes's mother had an affair with Dracula's brother and Sherlock was actually half of a set of twins, and the other twin is a vampire, which makes Dracula Sherlock's uncle. 

EXCUSE ME, WTF. 

First of all: nowhere ever in my extensive research of vampire lore have I read that sleeping with a vampire produces twins, one of whom is human and one of whom is a vampire. If you have heard of this before, please, tell me. Even Stephanie Meyers's effed up vampire offspring makes more sense to me. 

Secondly, there is no account in ANY of Doyle's work that Mr. and Mrs. Holmes were anything less than happy and faithful with each other. Also, Sherlock was not a twin. Mr. and Mrs. Holmes had already inflicted the names Mycroft and Sherlock upon actual living babies. There wasn't room for one more absurdly named child in their house, I'm sorry. 

And while it's true that Vlad Tepes/The Impaler historically had two half brothers and a younger brother, nowhere in Stoker's book is there any evidence of vampirism among them (though Saberhagen wasn't the first to think this up. But I don't buy it, especially because Radu, the younger brother, was some kind of possibly gay pretty boy and an enemy of Vlad. MOVING ON.). And even if there was, COME ON. The likelihood of him sleeping with and impregnating Mrs. Holmes (why was she in Transylvania in the first place?)? The whole thing is incredibly far-fetched. 

Also, spoiler, the bad guys are Arthur Holmwood and Jack Seward. Which I guess makes sense...if Dracula is your protagonist, then the good guys from Dracula have to be the bad guys. BUT STILL. Not buying it. 

END SPOILERS END SPOILERS END SPOILERS END SPOILERS END SPOILERS 

So overall, Saberhagen came SO CLOSE. Did I like this book? Yes, of course. Was it true to either of its original sources? Not really, but especially not Dracula, which bothers me. Granted, throwing together Holmes, the epitome of realism, and Dracula, a supernatural being, is like putting oil and water in a cup. You can try and mix it, and it might work for like, a third of a second, but then they separate. I had a hard time believing that Holmes would so readily accept the supernatural, especially having read "The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire," a case which Holmes solved (and therefore disproved vampires) before he even left the house to investigate. 

Saberhagen touches on this story, suggesting that Watson thought this story (of Dracula and Holmes) too outrageous to publish and so wrote "The Sussex Vampire." Certainly, "The Giant Rat of Sumatra" features in this novel. I like books where an author takes one of the many cases Watson mentioned throughout the Holmes canon without expounding upon, and creates a story based off of it. But this was not one of them. 

Anyway, do I recommend it? Yes. It's a fun romp with a very nice "I just need a hug" Dracula and his nephew, Sherlock Holmes. Just don't get all excited thinking it's going to be canonical. Because it will be, up until the last quarter. Then, like a bad football game, it all goes downhill very quickly. 

PS: If you didn't read Dracula and have no idea what I've just talked about, might I suggest my highly ridiculous summary/review?

Potential new least favorite book?

I just read the most heinous book. 

OH MY GOD, I literally can't even talk about how much I LOATHED this book. It was the most vapid, insipid, stupid, brainless waste of paper I've ever had the utter displeasure of reading. 

Not true. Heart of Darkness is still my least favorite book, but this book actually insulted me as a fan of Austen and an educated human being. 

What I hate most about this book is that it masquerades itself as some kind of almighty tribute to Austen, who is probably my favorite author, when really, it's so trite and STUPID that it's insulting to insinuate that you are glorifying her by reading or writing this book, and it's insulting to people who have actually READ all of her books to tout this as some kind of tribute. 

It. Was. TERRIBLE. 

The main girl is a sad, Darcy-obsessed, single woman who wins a trip to Austenland, a place where you can go and literally pretend to be in a Jane Austen book alongside trained actors and everything. Of course, she falls in love with the Darcy character, but without the intrigue and intelligence of the ACTUAL Pride and Prejudice romance. 

Also, Hale repeatedly bashes Northanger Abbey, one of my favorites, and lauds SuckMansfield Park, the only of Austen's novels I actively dislike. 

It was just infuriating to me. I had to question if she'd ever actually read any of Austen's book, because this is the kind of dialogue, book, characters, and scenarios that Austen SNARKED IN HER OWN BOOKS. If you're going to write some kind of tribute novel, AT LEAST TRY, DAMMIT. 

Luckily, I've read other works by Shannon Hale and I know she's a good author, but it's like she got a prescription for stupid pills, popped them all, and birthed this monstrosity. 

I was so pissed off with this book that I literally felt my blood pressure rising as I was finishing it. If you were born with only half a brain, or you hate Austen, or you love really poor storytelling, go ahead and read this book. Everyone else, go read an actual Austen book. Or Sherlock Holmes, who would probably have injected cocaine, overdosed, gone on a crazy chemistry spree and poisoned every single person in this book, and then successfully framed Charles Augustus Milverton. Which would have been a really suitable alternate ending. 

ALL THE REACTION GIF's

While reading: 

Afterward:

 Summary of the book: 

Books I've Read Since The Night Circus

I've finished quite a few books in the last couple of weeks and wanted to do quick reviews of them. 

The Arrival, by Shaun Tan

This one was totally different from anything I usually read (or anything I've ever read, for that matter). For starters, it's a graphic novel, which usually isn't my thing. Secondly, there are no words. It's that artistic. Now, I realize that I should probably have been more serious and artsy about this book, but when there are no words, then my inner monologue takes over. And my inner monologue is really vulgar and tends to be kind of an idiot (also, it's British, don't even ask), so the reading went something like, "Okay, so this guy's going to buy postage stamps. Oh no wait, that's bread. And wait, there's a little ratf----r. What the eff even is that. What is it doing. It's like a shark-rat with gills. It's a ratf----r. Wait, everyone has a pet. That one's like a cat-fox. It's a cox." And on and on. 

This is actually a really moving story about a man who leaves his wife and child and home in a place that's being taken over by something bad (represented by a spiny dragon tail), and goes someplace new and foreign, tries to make a living over there, and later brings his wife and daughter to live there with him. It's an artistic story about immigration and emigration. He goes. The language is totally new and different (and so the reader experiences it with him, is completely made up and nonexistent). There are strange customs (everyone has some kind of pet, like in the Golden Compass books), strange ways to get food (I still don't get it...the best Inner Monologue and I came up with is that it's some kind of guessing game/vending machine in a wall), and everyone he meets has come from someplace else. It's like AMERICA but fictionalized. I liked it. I like that I was able to have a stupid narration in my head, but later realize what a cool story it is. And top of that, no matter where you're from or where you're going, you can "read" this book, because there's no words! I give major creativity props to Shaun Tan, and highly recommend it. I finished in about 20 minutes. You should at least go and look at the cute animal pictures. 

The Invention of Hugo Cabret, by Brian Selznick

Two things to note about my experience with this book: 

1. I have not seen the movie. 

2. I audiobooked it, and realized AFTERWARD that the actual book has some incredible illustrations that I totally missed by listening to the story, so I feel like I need to go back and actually read the physical book. 

That being said, I can't talk about the illustrations or the feel of the book, and I'm sorry about that. But the story itself was good. The boy, Hugo, works and lives in a train station in Paris. He's an orphan, and his uncle, the station's clock keeper, takes him in until he mysteriously disappears. Hugo continues to operate the station's clocks, because he doesn't want to go to an orphanage if anyone realized his uncle was dead. In the meantime, his deceased father had rescued an automaton (robot, or mechanical man) from a museum fire and was working to repair it. He died, and Hugo took over trying to fix it, certain that it held some kind of message for him about what to do in his life. 

It's a really interesting story in that it has some interesting factors: train stations, clock keeping, mechanics, magic tricks, early film, and Paris. I feel like the story wasn't as magical as I thought it was going to be, but maybe that's just me. It won the Caldecott and the movie is wildly popular, so maybe I'm just broken. But it seemed forgettable to me, if not for those few unforgettable aspects mentioned above. I do recommend it, but not to older readers. I'll keep it mind for the kids at the library, though. If you're an adult and you want to read a great kid's book, READ HARRY EFFING POTTER, ALREADY. 

The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie

I'd heard a lot of buzz about this book on YA blogs, and I decided to give it a go myself. It's not usually something I'm into, Native American lit, but this book was actually really, really good. 

There are enough places for you to go read summaries of the story, so I won't summarize it, but it's a really great story about a Spokane boy who is desperate to escape the downward spiral of life on an Indian reservation, and he does this by going to the closest white school off the reservation (which is 22 miles away). It's touching, eye-opening, depressing, darkly comical, and illustrated with comics by the narrator which add a much needed note of levity to an otherwise heavy story. It reminds me a lot of The Perks of Being A Wallflower, but with a racial twist. If you like that kind of stuff, I definitely recommend it. I finished it in one sitting. I just couldn't stop. The narrator hooked me from page one, and I loved every second of it. It's an easy read, but one, I think, that'll stay with me. 

The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie, by Alan Bradley

THIS BOOK. OMG, THIS BOOK. This is the book I keep waiting for and it only comes every once in a great while. It's the book I was hoping that Godawful Sherlock Holmes thing would be. I was like:

It's the story of 11 year old Flavia de Luce, who aside from having a spectacular name, is a chemistry genius, prankster, and amateur sleuth. Although I use the word "amateur" loosely, because she's 11 and she basically solved every aspect of the mystery correctly. She, her father, and her two sisters live in a historic country manor home in England. Her mother is deceased. One morning, after a mysterious visitor calls on her father, Flavia finds aforementioned visitor dead on the grounds. She then cunningly pieces together the mystery of his death, using her brilliant knowledge of chemistry, her childhood naivety, and her bicycle called "Gladys" who I think she pretends is a horse. 

Flavia is a brilliant character. I can smell Sherlock Holmes on her, but she's different enough not to be a sad reincarnation. If Sherlock Holmes died and was reincarnated in the 1950's as a little girl, he might have come back as Flavia. Or if he'd fathered an illegitimate daughter with a dramatic actress (and don't even say Irene Adler or I will cut you). Or she could be a distant relative. She's calculating, chemical, and cunning like Holmes, but she has a flair for the dramatic and does, at times, show her emotions. She's just completely unique and I absolutely fell in love with her. 

I also loved the mystery. I GOT IT WRONG. I hate it when I'm reading a mystery, the red herring shows up, and like three chapters in I've solved it already. BORING. This one tricked me, and I love that! And Flavia didn't solve it by being like, "Look, a footprint, let me follow it." She conducted experiments, played on people's emotions, researched, etc. She's awesome. She's only eleven and she's fictional, but she's like my new role model. 

What I also love about this is that, because she's only a kid, she's an extremely unreliable narrator. Half the time I wasn't sure if her theories were childish and therefore, dismissible, or so crazy they just might be true. 

Loved, loved, LOVED this book. Luckily, there are three more in the series, with another two to come. CAN'T WAIT, omg, thank you so much Alan Bradley. I might even change my rule about not trusting people with two first names (or rather, people with a surname that could also be a first name) because you wrote this awesome character and story. Maybe. 

Absolutely recommend to Holmesians or people who love mysteries. 

What the hell-ementary, my dear Watson?

I don't know why I keep torturing myself by reading Sherlock Holmes pastiches and hoping they'll be good. If there were kinks in the reading world (and I'm not saying there aren't, I'm just not into it...or aware of it, thankfully), I'd definitely be some kind of Sherlock Holmes masochist. 

No, but honestly, I just keep hoping I'll stumble upon a book that makes me feel like I'm reading some of Doily's Doyle's work. 

This was not that book.

So basically, this is some author's imagining of 13 year old Sherlock Holmes's first case. Which sounded cool, and it was a good premise (a slash-and-hack murder in Whitechapel, so of course I thought this was going to involve Jack the Ripper. Disappointingly, it didn't.), so I thought I'd give it a try.

Overall, it was a silly book. Crows literally solve the case. I'm not even joking. Like, the black birds. They SOLVE THE CASE. That's the kind of silliness that would've maybe come up in the original stories, but then Holmes would've explained it away and solved the mystery using, I don't know, CLUES, or EVIDENCE, or HIS BRAIN.

I felt like this Holmes was extremely out of character, which I guess you can get away with when it's the young, formative years of a someone. But with a character as iconic as Sherlock Holmes, I don't know...I've always felt that he was born Sherlock Holmes, and didn't grow into him. We hear, once or twice, in the original stories that he didn't have many friends in his school years, which I assumed was because he was a genius and was probably deducing the crap out of everyone, which was cool the first time but then just got annoying. In this book, he's all emotional (albeit, still friendless), and then it shows why he decides to shut off his emotions. Which I think is a little silly. 

Sherlock Holmes is also apparently Jewish, despite celebrating Christmas in "The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle." But I will give him this point as Holmes's religion is never expressly revealed (though he does make mention of his belief in prayer, morality, and a Creator in the original stories). 

We also have child-Irene Adler, which is extremely ridiculous to me, especially considering she was an AMERICAN and probably living in New Jersey at the time the story took place. 

Seriously, Mr. Peacock (terrible nom de plume, too)?? As a self-professed "Holmesian" did you ever actually READ any of the Holmes canon? 

I feel like there needs to be a society of people that are Sherlock Holmes experts who have to approve any knock-offs/pastiches before publication, because stuff like this just makes me mad. And if the author doesn't approve of the changes, then they have to delete x-amount of Holmes characteristics from their characters, give them a new name, and pretend none of this ever happened. 

"Pretend none of this ever happened," is, incidentally, what I'm doing now that I'm done reading this watery, disappointing, and highly forgetful book. 

Whenever I want to feel like I'm far away....

I simultaneously open up these three tabs:

http://www.rainymood.com/

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eyU3bRy2x44

http://www.yourepeat.com/watch?v=sf-LMHrslHw

And then I adjust the volume on the music to about halfway there, so the rain and fireplace are more prominent and I pretend I'm a Lord. Or Duchess, as the case may be. 

Or sometimes, I use violin music and pretend I'm actually in 221B. 

Or Madam, as the case may be. 

You see, but you do not observe.

Look what I got in the mail!!!

"...all the rights and privileges thereunto appertaining." EXCEPT A JOB.

No, but seriously, I'm quite thrilled. I'm now "legit." And it just feels good to hold the fruit of four years hard labor in my hands. I have something to PHYSICALLY show for it. I mean, it's kind of a measly something, but it's something nonetheless.


If you hear of anything at all in the fields of editing, publishing or anything otherwise bookish, please let me know.


Work: fine.
Family: fine.
Social life: nonexistent.



In other news, a colleague and acquaintance of mine (who's "off the grid" and scarily brilliant) introduced me to the BBC series "Sherlock." I mean, I'd known about it but I had been incredibly skeptical, because the idea of Sherlock Holmes existing outside of Victorian England was absolutely horrifying. HOWEVER, I have to say, that of all the adaptations I've seen, this one is, oddly enough, one of the closest to the books--in that they sneak in sly references to many things and use (or adapt) quotes outright. And it works! I didn't think you could ever take the, "I'd be lost without my Boswell" quote and work it into live action without a fair amount of corniness. But they did it! And it's great, because even though they've changed things to fit in with 21st century England, key elements of the original stories are still there. Only instead of firing off telegrams every 10 minutes, Holmes shoots texts. He also shoots bullets in the wall (per canon). Other canon elements: the riding crop, Watson's army stint (and inconsistent wounds attained therein), the Baker Street Irregulars, Holmes' substance reliance (only he uses nicotine patches instead of pipes...LOL), and a whole slew of other sneaky but ingenious little references.

Cumberbatch is a brilliant young Holmes, and Martin Freeman (who's going to be Bilbo in the upcoming Hobbit movie) is a really great Watson. The mysteries, though based on the originals, are fresh and exciting, and each episode stands as almost a mini-movie--they're that good.

I highly recommend it. I'd been going through an awful Holmesian dry patch (there's only so many times you can re-read the original stories, and almost all of the later pastiches are so terrible they make me want to bash my own head in), and this was the PERFECT fix. You can watch the first three episodes online at PBS's website:
here!


So since my life is so blindingly exciting, tell me, what are my readers up to these days?

What I've been doing and reading.

I started this post out as a book review, but then I was like, "omg, all I do is talk about BOOKS." So now I've decided to give you all a general life update. "You all" being like, the three people who still read my blog. ;)

-My job is going well! I started in October as an associate and by New Year's was the store manager. Yeah, I got promoted again (albeit unintentionally). So now I'm in charge of more stuff. I'm enjoying it, actually. And we (the store) have some exciting news in the not-too-distant future, so stay tuned!
-My grandma is doing pretty well. She's moving out of the nursing facility and into an assisted living/retirement apartment later this week. It's the perfect combination of having help on hand and enabling her to retain some independence, which is exactly what she needs at this point. We're blessed and happy that she seems to be doing better and that she's out of the woods in NC and closer to us. It's been so much fun decorating her new apartment, too! Even though I secretly wish I was decorating an apartment for myself...it's good practice, though!
-Accurate:

-I don't miss school at all. I thought I'd be weeping every morning and like, sniffing the inside of my backpack to jog my schoolish memories, but no. I hear my coworkers talk about parking and registration and I'm like:

-I still haven't really had any luck in the search for a "career job," but see point #1. I'm definitely getting by at this point in my life.
-I miss my friends. Most of them live kind of sizable distances away from me, and I wish I had people I could call up on the fly and be like, "We're hanging out now," and have that be okay.

Friends are just really important, and I miss mine.

So on that depressing note, I thought I'd show you a couple of books I started reading then hated and stopped reading (BECAUSE I CAN DO THAT NOW!!! It's such a novel concept to me that I don't actually have to finish a book if I don't want to!), and then a couple that I actually liked.


Books I Couldn't Bring Myself to Finish


The Girl Who Chased the Moon, by Sarah Addison Allen
To be fair, I'm not sure I gave this book enough of a chance, but it just didn't captivate me in the way Allen's other two books I've read did. With those ones, I couldn't put them down and I didn't want to. This one I was like, thinking of other stuff to do while I was reading it. Which I don't really take as a good sign. I love to be engrossed while I'm reading. So if I get desperate or in a book rut, I may go back and try this one again, but for now, I feel like there are SO MANY THINGS to read!


The Forgotten Beasts of Eld, by Patricia A. McKillip
I love fantasy/fairy tale novels. I always have, and I know I always will. So while I was at the library one day, I saw this book (and another by the same author, The Tower at Stony Wood) and was absolutely convinced I needed to try and read it because the writing seemed "literary." And a lot of fairy tales tend to get a little too childish and I was like, "BEHOLD! I am a literature major! I cannot read riff-raff! My fairy tales must be LITERARY!"

Utter. Crap.

I got like, halfway through this book and I honestly had NO idea what was happening. This was like living in Miracle Max's hut while eating shrooms and sniffing noxious fumes in the 1960's, all set to a soundtrack by the Cocteau Twins. It was just WEIRD. And the story wasn't that good. Nor were the characters. I don't know. I've had enough of having to interpret the words that I'm reading. I'm reading now to be entertained. This felt like hard work dressed up like funtimes. NOT COOL.




The Exploits of Sherlock Holmes, by Arthur Conan Doily's freaking Doily offspring.
I should've known from the title of this book that it was going to be a failure. That and the fact that Doily's son wrote it. *sigh* For those of you who don't know, I have a love/hate relationship with Arthur Conan Doyle. The man wrote Sherlock Holmes, so I can't actually hate him. But he hated Holmes, killed him, BROUGHT HIM BACK, and then wrote him so lackadaisically that it's embarrassing. But without him, Sherlock Holmes wouldn't exist. And I love Sherlock Holmes.

So naturally, I was excited when I saw this book because Watson frequently mentions cases in his narratives of which we don't actually have any record. The whole idea is that Doily's son found the names of all those unwritten cases and made up stories about them. Except he like, didn't make them up. He stole them from his dad. One of the stories I read dealt with a guy smashing every clock he came into contact with. Well, okay, that's fantastic...unless you've read "The Adventure of the Six Napoleons." Which basically had the same premise, same problem, and same resolution. Not cool. Also...it was a shame, because you could tell that he was trying SO HARD to write in the same style as his father. It's so incredibly difficult to emulate someone else's style of writing. It's like doing successful impersonations--it's just hard to do. And Doily Jr. fell short. He tried too hard to be his father as opposed to building off his father's creations and doing it his way. Maybe if he'd tried to write like Adrian instead of Arthur it would've been easier for me to get through. As it is, it was a painful caricature, like reading about wax figures of Holmes and Watson trying to be as clever and vivacious as their original doppelgangers.



I think the problem right now is that I'm not sure what to read. Now that I'm not being told, "You have to read this by Friday and then this book by next Friday," I have no idea what to actually read. So I'm just looking for stuff that is similar to things I've enjoyed before and trying to go from there. Sometimes it's successful, but mostly, I think, it's not.

However:

A Book That I DID Finish

Picture the Dead, by Adele Griffin and Lisa Brown
I got this book because it was supposedly romantic and creepy--both good, right?? I started to read it Saturday night, and I only intended to read like five chapters, but I ended up finishing it. And I'm still not sure if that was because I was intrigued or if it was just a simple read.

This book is a YA book, which is kind of a genre I like to dislike. But I thought, "what the hey, I'll give it a try." It's basically a Civil War ghost story/romance, but it's also part graphic novel. The story is told from the point of view of Jennie Lovell and her scrapbook. But the cool this is that the illustrator actually based all her drawings on actual period photographs. If you go to the book's website, you can see the pictures she based her illustrations on (she's also married to Lemony Snicket, so winning). The story is essentially a southern gothic mystery. However, having read every Sherlock Holmes story and many of the later pastiches, I called the end of the story about a third of the way through. You all probably could, too.

So was it mysterious? Not exactly. Creepy? Yes, but not as scary as I thought it would be or as it could have been. However, when it comes to scariness, I'd rather be left wanting. Romantic? NO. NOT AT ALL. It really bothers me! The protagonist came off as shallow and flighty and I didn't like that at all. In fact, my favorite characters were dead, if that tells you anything. Overall, I think it was a highly forgettable novel, but if you're into any of the aforementioned stuff, yes, I'd recommend it.


I also read Ron Paul's book, Liberty Defined. I don't like being overly political, but if you're not sure who to vote for and you don't want to vote Obama, I suggest you check it out. Just do it.


This has gone on long enough, now. Just like, yeah. That's what I do.

Stuff I like.

I am growing atrociously bored with my existence, so here's a list of things that I like/have found recently and want to share.

Cheap Lingerie

Let's get one thing straight: I do NOT like Kmart. It's smelly and old. BUT. That being said, I do have to congratulate them on stepping up their game--at least in the "intimates" section. All of the above bras are under $15 (most are under $10), which is a STEAL if you're used to paying $40+ at places like Victoria's Secret. Here's the deal. It's an effing BRA. No matter how much you pay for it, you're still gonna sweat when you wear it, especially if you live here. And your boyfriend probably doesn't give as much of a damn about it as you think he does--he's more interested in the "getting it off" part. So $10 for something that's kind of fun and cute? I approve.


Cheap Books

I recently meandered into Books-A-Million and was absolutely tickled to find they had a whole series of really decent looking classics for TWO DOLLARS a piece. TWO. DOLLARS. You can't beat it! So if you need one for class or are just looking to read that book you never read, check it out. You can afford to.


Cheap Movies

Seriously? This is the best thing EVER. Since it's so hot.


Cream Soda

Because when you don't drink, you have only so many options.


Finding Bigfoot

This is one of those shows that's so bad, it's good. It is utterly ridiculous, but in the best way. Of course, I love anything paranormal, so when I found out there was an organization which specializes in Bigfoot research and tracking that was pretty hardcore. And they have this show on Animal Planet. So these 4 people go around and use various (if repetitive and ineffective) methods to try and stalk sasquatches (or "squatches" as they call them). And it's AMAZINGLY entertaining. Although apparently, I'm the only one who thinks so. But yes. I'd like to form such an organization for Nessies. THEY'RE OUT THERE, TOO.



Skype

I love this thing because I can talk to and SEE my best friend even though she's currently 155 miles away from me. And this is keeping me sane through this incredibly odd summer.




So those are a few of my favorite things at the mo. I cannot wait for school to start because I'm tired of sitting here and just reading until my eyes threaten to fall out. Not that I don't enjoy reading. Just, y'know. I do much better having something to do.

"My mind rebels at stagnation. Give me problems, give me work...I abhor the dull routine of existence."

Until the very end...

The first and last posters.



Cast photos, in character and out.


Have you stuck with Harry until the very end?
I suppose so. I mean, I'm here aren't I?

I was 11 when the books came out, and being an avid reader even then, I couldn't WAIT to get my hands on them (fantasy has always been my favorite genre). I bought the first book and devoured it in a matter of days. I distinctly remember being on vacation in D.C. when the second one came out, and I made my parents stop at a bookstore on the way up there so I could get it. I finished the next three in days when they came out.

Then Goblet of Fire came out. At this point, they were getting longer and longer and it was taking what felt like eternities between the books for them to get published. Plus, the ending of GoF really bothered me--the fact that Voldemort was reincarnated from blood, bone and flesh seemed rather Satanic to my young, sheltered mind. So I decided between the series getting creepier and taking a long time to be finished, I'd just wait until they were all out before I finished. So I had a nice HP break in high school. Though I did keep up with the movies. We used to go see them when they came out.

The last book was published in 2007, the year I graduated, and as soon as I got into college I wanted to re-read the beginning and finish the series. But then I decided to become an English major, which meant that all I do is read. Constantly. And I knew that if I started to re-read the HP series all my schoolwork would go out the window until they were finished. So I tried to prolong it as long as I could.

Then I finally caved sometime last year. Although I didn't allow myself to read the books (because, again, I'd still rather read those than my school books), I did listen to the audiobooks. One blown out car battery later (note to self: parking for hours on end with the motor running so you can listen to The Half-Blood Prince just ISN'T a good idea), I'd finished up to the 6th book and finally decided "the hell with it," and read the 7th. I finished it in about four days.

So, have I stuck with Harry? Overall, the answer is yes. Even though I was late to finishing the series. Part of me didn't want to--I'd grown up reading and loving the books when I was the age Harry was in the first half of the series. Seeing Harry and his friends grow up meant that I had to grow up too. But the wonderful thing about fictional characters is that they live forever. As soon as I turned the last page of The Deathly Hallows, I was sad, but it was like, "DUDE. Now I HAVE to re-read them!" And Harry becomes, once again, the little boy in the cupboard below the stairs.

So I'm not sad about it ending, really. You wanna know what's really sad? WHEN ARTHUR EFFING CONAN DOYLE KILLS SHERLOCK HOLMES. OMG HE KILLED THE MAIN CHARACTER. AT LEAST HARRY POTTER LIVES, YOU GUYS.


Thank you, Harry, for being immortal in the way that only book characters can be. And thanks to the cast for sticking with the project (the same cast for almost 11 years of filming?? Impressive.) and doing the films the way they needed to be done--with quality and integrity.

"Life is infinitely stranger than anything which the mind of man could invent."

This.


Also, I have a cold and I feel generally crummy, which is dreadful when you're trying to beat that mad school rush before Thanksgiving and ultimately finals. I guess the good thing is that this cold came at a perfect time: two of my classes were cancelled this week and Veteran's Day means I have Thursday off anyway. So I'm really only missing like three classes of any importance.

Oh, also, I cannot WAIT until we have our house back. Fish and company stink after three days, and while the workers aren't exactly company (and they don't really stink, either...), I'd like for them to go away so I can walk around the house without feeling like I'm being watched.

"The world is full of obvious things which nobody by any chance ever observes."

Because this blog wouldn't be truly Halloweeny if I didn't promote a spooky story or two.


(Do you guys remember this episode?? It was super scary! If I ever find all the episodes of Wishbone on DVD, I AM BUYING THEM. ALL.)

There are very few stories which I recommend people to listen to rather than read. The Hound of the Baskervilles is one of them.

Also, it's a Sherlock Holmes story. If you didn't know that, get off this blog, you don't belong here.

Plot Summary: I can't even sum up this plot. It'd be like trying to explain "Les Miserables" to someone. There's just a lot going on. In short: Sir Henry Baskerville is this noveau riche American guy who falls into his family's old landed money. Which sounds spectacular, only there's this curse. Anyone in the Baskerville family gets haunted and hounded (see what I did there?) by this ghostly, beastly, demonic hound dog. And it's an EPIC dog. It's like, the size of a horse and it gallumphs across the moors seeking out Baskerville blood. It's totally way scarier than I just made it sound. It eats people's throats out. THAT'S INTENSE.



So anyway, a friend of Henry Baskervilles, named Mortimer, seeks out Sherlock Holmes's help. Holmes is interested, but being the world's only consulting detective, he's way too busy to deal with ghostly, throat-hungry hounds. So he's all like, "Guys, I'm Sherlock Holmes. I'm way too busy saving the world to deal with this. But it is interesting. Watson, you go." So, after throwing a minor hissy fit and following Baskerville around London like a creeper with Holmes, Watson goes off to Baskerville Hall and basically conducts the entire investigation, all whilst writing incredibly detailed letters to his bff Holmes back home.



(Also something with a phony cab driver and a boot happens. But I won't spoil it.)

So Baskerville Hall is located in the middle of the creepiest part of England ever. There are all these moors and swamps ("mires," they call them), wherein animals get trapped and die slow, horrible deaths (much to Watson's horror). Also, there are women weeping the halls at night, and they also hear they baying of the hound. Well, Watson is smart, but he's no Holmes, so he just goes around talking to pretty much everyone he meets on the English countryside, playing detective. All the neighbors are creepy, btw.



So, all this stuff happens. It's creepy. The moors are creepy. Holmes is being stuck-up in London, and then people start dying. And Watson's all like, "Omg, what do I do?" So he keeps writing to Holmes, because that's sure as hell what I'd do if I was friends with Sherlock Holmes.



I don't want to say anything else, because then we get into major spoilers territory. But the hound totally exists and it DOES rip out people's throats. And there's an escaped convict and some ruins. And Holmes makes a dramatic and heroic re-appearance. And Watson ends up doing a pretty fine job on his own.

So why, being the absolute Holmes fangirl that I am, would I like a story where Holmes is so clearly absent? Because it's GOOD. And creepy. And Holmes is actually there the whole time, we're just too stupid to figure out his genius mastermindery. He is like a puppetmaster, and all the characters and the readers are like marionettes dangling from the strings of his genius. You don't even KNOW.


You can download the audiobook for free here or, if you're insistent upon reading it (it's good either way, really), you can do so here.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned...

I gave out my fake number again.

I'm not guilty about that though for two reasons:
1. This guy was legit creepy.
2. I do this enough that I've stopped feeling bad about it.

Here's the bad part. You wanna know what name I have him?

ALICE HOLMES.

Really, creativity? That's the BEST you could do??



^^Me, apparently.


All of this really begs the question: Oh, Romeo, Romeo, WHEREFORE ART THOU, Romeo??

One day, I will meet a guy and give him my REAL number.

Until then, yours sincerely,
Alice Holmes.

MS Paint is my new BFF!

I drew this for a friend but thought I'd share it with you, too:


Apparently, in my mind, Bixby's tail is also the mountain from "Nightmare Before Christmas."

GET IT?? They're playing Sherman Holmes and Bixwatson!

I need a new hobby.

Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

Oh man, yesterday was one of those days where I feel like everything happened and then I wonder why it can't all be spread out over a number of days. Alas, it seems that eventfulness likes to happen all at once instead of evenly. Kind of like when you hit the 57 on the ketchup bottle in desperation only to receive a veritable deluge of ketchup.

ANYWAY.

First of all I had an interview at a mall store that shall remain unnamed.

See what I did there?

It's so silly. They take their job SO SERIOUSLY and, I kid you not, described the store as "the leading emporium in the lingerie and brasierre industry." I was struggling to keep it together. One moment, please: BRASIERRE??? Nobody under the age of 150 SAYS that. It's a BRA. We all call them bras. Also, I didn't realize applying for the job would mean that my ultimate goal was not to make money, but rather to become, exact words, a "bra expert." There are many things I wouldn't mind becoming an expert on. Women's underthings are not one of them.

If I was a sixteen year old guy, perhaps my thoughts would be different.

Then someone got arrested in my front yard. It was highly exciting. My mom and I sneakily watched the whole thing for about an hour and a half through half-shut blinds. Apparently, this kid came in on a bicycle with the intent to burglarize cars and houses. The police apprehended his backpack, which was full of tools to do so (a crowbar, screwdrivers, wire cutters, etc.), and he tried to convince the police that the tools were so he could fix his bike. Liar. So they arrested him. Apparently there's been a rash of young guys breaking in and stealing stuff in this area. Naturally, this pumped my already high level of paranoia into the realm of ridiculousness. ALAS: BETTER TO BE SAFE THAN SORRY. Even though sleeping with mace in my bed is probably not safe for me. DOES NOT MATTER. The weird thing is that the police were on their hands and knees in our lawn searching for something. Regrettably, we never found out what they were looking for. At first we theorized that he was in a drug ring and had thrown his stash in our yard (my mom: "We can't let the dogs out! What if they eat pot? OR COCAINE???" Millie always acts high, it's no big deal.). We never figured it out, so I'm very curious.


Also, there were two detectives on the scene. I'd just like to point out that detectives in real life look NOTHING like Sherlock Holmes. Unless Watson was lying and Holmes was actually morbidly obese with a penchant for pleated-front khakis. I doubt this very highly.


Detectives in real life DO NOT EQUAL Sherlock BAMF Holmes, who's knocking over a table and then will blame Watson for it. No lie. That's CANON (The Adventure of the Reigate Squire. One of my favs because there's a bitchy little man who hates Holmes and Holmes is all like, BITCH PLZ, and fakes sick and blames Watson for knocking stuff over. READ IT.).



And then, finally, I came *this* close to my #1 fantasy being played out. After all the excitement, my mom and I took the dogs for a walk (having realized that there probably WEREN'T random hazardous drugs laying around in our grass...). As we're walking, we spot, up by the entrace of the neighborhood, a little dog dashing across the road and going into random people's yards. It was tiny, and it was getting progressively close to Chapman Road, so I ran up to go intercept it before it got smished in traffic. So I'm running (like a retard, btw) and it disappears into someone's backyard. I start whistling and calling for it and it peeps its little head around the corner. I carefully approach it the way you're supposed to approach an unfamiliar dog (not meeting its eyes directly, hand outstretched, palm upwards, speaking softly, etc.) and its little eyes lit up. I could see it was a female Shih Tzu, probably like 3-4 years old, freshly groomed. Once I realized she was freshly groomed, I knew my little fantasy was over. People don't just LOSE $2000 purebred dogs who've been groomed meticulously in the last week. They just don't. So she sees me and approaches all happy and starts kissing my hand. SUCH a sweetie. I get into position to pick her up, scanning her for any injuries (she was collar-less, so I wanted to make sure she wasn't some very fortunate stray), and she totally let me. So then I figured she was definitely tame, and definitely belonged to people. She was SO happy to see me though! It was adorable. And the whole time I'm holding her, she's giving me little kisses. I almost DIED of cuteness. So my Mom and I start knocking door to door to figure out who she belonged to. Turns out it's some neighbor up at the front of the 'hood that I never talk to. He was all like, "AWW! THANK YOU! I didn't even know she was out!" He was really happy and really relieved. So even though my sick little fantasy didn't play out, I was happy. Because he was happy.


It kind of looked like this. Cute, y/y??

Now I figure I've committed my good deed involving a dog. The laws of Karma indicate that something similar must now occur to me in reciprocation.

I'M WAITING, KARMA.

May you build a ladder to the stars and climb on every rung.

-Muggles vs. Models? Apparently Tyra's writing a new book and it's like, modelling meets Harry Potter. Idek. Tyra, Tyra, Tyra...

-I love it when fandoms clash: Sherlock Holmes was a Vulcan.

LEONARD NIMOY ONCE PLAYED SHERLOCK HOLMES. YOUR ARGUMENT IS VALID.


-Exercise > happy pills. Old news, just a reminder. :) Also, I highly recommend this DVD.

-20 new ways to use those stupid dryer sheet things. Some of these are pretty clever, and I might have to give them a try (like in my car. I would've never thought of that but it makes sense. Right??).

-11 ways to feel beautiful. Courtesy of Oprah. By which I mean the writers who slave away for her magazine and empire while she gets all the credit.

-The best dinosaur shirts on the internet. Get your Christmas shopping done now, save stress and panic later. *_~ (Unrelated, but I personally like #'s 3, 7, 13 and 28. No that was not just a hint that I want you to buy me dino shirts for Christmas. Seriously. Buy me a puppy instead.)

-Finally, sixpersonality traits to admire and acquire.


Now for real FINALLY, for your time:

I'm awfully glad someone snarkily pointed this out. Especially since "someone" is Andy Samberg. :D

Have a great weekend, everyone!