Hunt a hare and turn her down the rocky road all the way to Dublin...

I just need to share this because it's so funny. 

So, if you know me, you know that Conan O'Brien is my soulmate and he just doesn't know it yet. 

You may also know that I am Irish. 

And if you've known me for the amount of time that may qualify as "forever," you know that I used to do competitive Irish dancing back in the day. 

 

Oh, yep, there it is. The ONLY reason I'm posting this is as proof that I did actually do this at one point. I'm sure better pics exist, I just don't know where. I really enjoyed it, but I quit to do band instead. I'm not sure if I regret that decision or not. My cousins still do it and they're AWESOMELY good--like, they've competed internationally for world titles. 

ANYWAY, then I see that Conan did this, and my life was that much closer to being complete:

I wish I could get kicked in the face by Conan O'Brien. 

It's my FAAAVORITE THIIIINGS!

You have to read the title in the manic Oprah voice.

So every year, Oprah would do this show called her Favorite Things wherein she'd give everyone in the audience a veritable treasure trove of stuff. And while I was sick (the first time, I'm sick again now. Should've asked Santa for a new body that was healthier) I watched my first one.

Now, I generally can't stand Oprah. But when I flipped channels and it was her last Favorite Things episode, I HAD to watch because of all the great spoofs that've been made of it. And they are DEADLY accurate.





So then I was like, "Omg, I could do a Favorite Things blog post of all the stuff I'd give out if I was Oprah!" So that's precisely what I'm going to do.



Mary's FAVORITE THINGS!


The first thing I'd give away would be Lush Dream Cream, because this is hands-down my favorite lotion for ANYTHING. There are claims that it cures everything from minor cuts to eczema and it's completely, 100% natural. You can use it on everything from hands to legs to the sensitive eye area and it does AMAZINGLY. Some people are put off by the smell, but I personally love it (roses and lavender!) and I think the results would outweigh any displeasure from the odor.

And to go with it, I'd give away...

...my three favorite Lush soaps!
I'd give away 13 (Unlucky for Dirt) Soap because it's naturally antibacterial. At first I despised the smell--roses and oregano! Seriously?? But it gets rid of germs and rinses off so cleanly, and ultimately I ended up liking it. Spicy and floral aren't usually mixed together, but it's kind of a sweet combination!
I'd also give away Sexy Peel, because it's like you split open dozens of oranges and lemons inside your shower. It smells so refreshing and invigorating! It's got little pieces of orange peel in it, which sounds like you're washing with garbage but it doesn't feel that way at all. It's very clean. I absolutely love this soap. And it's perfect for ladies AND gents, just like 13!
And lastly, I'd give away 17 Cherry Tree Lane, not only because I love the name (and Mary Poppins, of course!), but it's probably my favorite Lush scent. It's like a soft, sweet jasmine floral with just a hint of spiciness. It's also got the gratuitous "spoonful of sugar" thrown into the mix...what's not to love?




Oprah usually gives out diamonds and like, real bling, but since I don't own any of that, I'd give out something I DO have and love. I bought myself these Brighton earrings as a graduation present, and I adore them! The lever backs are by and large the most comfortable, and I do love Brighton. I almost exclusively wear silver (not that I hate gold, I just think silver looks better with my coloring), and Brighton is my favorite "drug of choice" when it comes to silver. It's thick, heavy and long-lasting. But the earrings themselves aren't heavy to wear. I also like the faux diamond because it's just enough bling to add a little fabulosity to your everyday.




I would absolutely give every person in my audience Star Wars on DVD. These ones are the ones I own and they come with the unretouched theatrical editions, too, which I think is important. I'm not against the changes George Lucas made, but I watched the originals obsessively before the re-releases came out, so those were the ones I was used to. I can still point out every change he made and tell you what happened in the originals. So yeah, I think I'd like everyone to have these, especially people who grew up watching the re-released versions just so they could see the originals for themselves.
Also, Star Wars has shaped my ideas on right and wrong, death, morality, duty, and friendship more than I'd care to admit. So while Oprah lauds Eckhart Tolle, I recommend Luke Skywalker.



If you've never tried Peterbrooke's Chocolate Popcorn, you have not lived. This stuff is the single most delectable treat I think I've ever had. I am a MAJOR fan of the sweet/salty combo, and this stuff hits the spot 100%. Also, Oprah always gives out some kind of food (she gave out chicken pies on the episode I saw. CHICKEN. PIES.), so here you go.




I very honestly believe laughter is the best medicine for all kinds of ills, so I'd give everyone the Best of Jimmy Fallon SNL DVD. Saturday Night Live is (almost) always funny to me, and I love Jimmy Fallon, so this is two birds with one stone!



You'd also get a Team Coco T-Shirt because while Jimmy Fallon is funny, no one holds a candle to Conan. And if I was Oprah, the first person I'd reach out to befriend as celeb BFF's would be Conan. You better believe it.



It is my firm belief that every woman should own something luxurious...or even something that makes her feel luxurious. There is something innately female about feeling glamorous, and the person who I feel best encapsulates that feminine vigor is Betsey Johnson. Everyone in my audience would go home with a Betsey Johnson Wallet and a sample of her new fragrance, Too Too, because a little luxe goes a long way. And perfume isn't universal. I like this one better than her original (even if the original's packaging is WAYYY better), but that's not everyone's opinion. So you get a trial size. CHEAP OPRAH.



Since these shows happen around the holidays, I felt obligated to give something Christmassy or seasonal. So I chose this Pashmina Scarf from Target. YES, TARGET, OKAY?? I'm not ACTUALLY Oprah! Anyway, I have this scarf in a few colors and I love it because it's WAY bigger than it looks, so it can double as a wrap or shawl. And there are loads of different ways to tie it, and it's so soft. You'd get it in red, like Mattie Silver (and if you haven't read Ethan Frome, you really need to because it's a beautiful story and not all about sex as my brother would tell you).



SPEAKING OF READING (and don't pretend like you weren't expecting this), I'd give my audience a collection of my favorite or most-inspiring books.
Pride and Prejudice is my blanket-statement favorite book (though it ties with Wuthering Heights...P&P is just so much more cheerful), so you'd definitely get that.
I maintain that reading Sherlock Holmes drew me out of one of the severest depressions of my life, and I can't thank him enough for that. The stories are incredible (and short! Perfect for cozying up with before bed) and kind of changed the way I observe the world around me.
Little House in the Big Woods was my gateway drug to reading. My Mom used to read that series to me when I was little, and it was the absolute highlight of my day. I've since re-read them as an adult, and they are such quality stories! And it's fascinating to me because the books are steeped in fact--that stuff actually happened. So this one's definitely one of the top influential books in my life, and I'd like to pass it on to everyone to either read for themselves or gift to a kid they know.
This is such a cop-out, but I'd give everyone the first Harry Potter, just to get them going on it. And I'd give away the adult cover ones so you don't feel like a fool reading it in public.
No-Fear Shakespeare is such a great tool, and not just for students! They have the original text of the play on one page and then the "real English" translation on the other...so cool! So you can actually blast your way through Hamlet without getting tripped up by the language. And while Hamlet is arguably Shakespeare's best play (and probably my favorite from a literary standpoint), Midsummer Night's Dream is my favorite story, so I'd give that one away.
I know I've already talked about Yes Man, but this was one of those books that sticks with you and I really believe it's a life-changing story. So I'd want everyone to read it. It's hilarious, too, and that never hurts. :)
I just finished reading The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen, and I could NOT put it down. I finished it in two nights. And it was so good! Allen almost always uses food as a motiff in her writing, but it takes center stage in this novel. This book is like eating dessert--it takes place in the modern world but has a touch of magic (her books always do...think the movie "Practical Magic") and a hint of Southern gothic. It's really a treasure of a book, and had a message that was so relevant to me and where I am at this point in my life. Loved it.
And finally, I'd give everyone a copy of The Duchess, because this book changed the way I feel and think about being a woman, especially in today's world. Georgiana of Devonshire was CENTURIES ahead of her time and trapped cruelly in a society which caged her in a loveless and faithless marriage. She was brilliant, beautiful, and brave, and really an inspiration to me. She's up there with my Favorite People of All Time. She was also a pal of Marie Antoinette's, so if you love that era or history or women or ANYTHING, you've got to read this book. It's a historical non-fiction that reads like fiction...I couldn't put it down and it hasn't left me yet.




I would definitely give everyone gift cards to Plato's Closet and TJ Maxx, just because money goes further there than anywhere else. You can score designer stuff for wayyy less than retail price at TJ Maxx, and I believe in Plato's as a company. I like that people can recycle their clothing as opposed to filling landfills with them, and it's an affordable way to keep your wardrobe current. So, happy shopping!



Everyone gets a throw blanket with whales on it because I have one and love it and it's super cozy.
That really doesn't merit any other description.



Oprah usually gives away something kitchen-y, but since I'm an absolute domestic failure, I'd give away Tervis Tumblers! I LOVE these cups! They're insulated and can keep hot or cold beverages the right temperature for HOURS. You can customize them, too, with whatever name or images you want. And they have a lifetime guarantee, so if yours gets crapped up all you have to do is mail it to the factory (there's one in Fort Myers!), and they'll send you a new one, free of charge. They're AWESOME.



And lastly, I FINALLY got a REAL Coach bag this year and it is by far the best bag I've ever owned. The classic Coach monogram is timeless and goes with everything. The size and style of this bag is ideal for everyday use as it's big enough to hold your essentials (and a book!), but small enough to carry around with you. The leatherwork and stitching are perfect...in the eye of the beholder (aka: me), these bags are works of art. So everyone would DEFINITELY get one!


YAYYYY! OPRAH'S MARY'S FAVORITE THINGS! I HAVE MEDICS STANDING BY SO FEEL FREE TO RIP YOUR HAIR OUT AND EAT YOUR NEIGHBOR'S EYEBALLS!!!

Seriously though.
Hope you enjoyed the list!

If life gives you lemons, make some kind of fruity juice.

I thank God for this man. Like, literally. Occasionally in church.

I don't know. I just feel like I owe him something. He's not really the funniest guy in television. His new show is highly sub-par to his short stint on Late Night. But he makes me laugh. When Sassy died, I was plummeted into this hideous depression, and the only way I could fall asleep without sobbing myself silly first was to watch Conan. We've been buddies ever since.

He just doesn't know it. Yet.

I can't go out. *cough cough* I'm sick.

BOO YOU WHORE.



This may well be my favorite movie line of all time. DON'T JUDGE. IT'S NOT CONFESSION TIME RIGHT NOW.


So last night was HIDEOUS. I felt terrible at work (not something I recommend doing. Ever.) and ended up vomitting like that girl from "The Exorcist" all over the back room.

Needless to say, I think I have the flu.

So last night, as I feverishly followed Winkin, Blinkin and Nod, I made a list of things that were going through my mind, because I knew they'd be a hoot in the morning light.

Oh, Subconcious, you never fail to disturb amuse me.


-I think the main reason I so disliked Seinfeld at first is because the show is so dark. Not thematically, but like, lighting-wise. Some of the earlier seasons just look SKETCHY. We're very used to pretty lights (think the Apple Store, or the new Star Trek), and Seinfeld's apartment is just plain DINGY. I can't appreciate humor when I'm wondering if a $10 hooker is gonna show up from the back room.

^^Exhibit A of our affinity for brightly lit places. Captain Kirk cannot do SCIENCY AWESOME STUFF in the dark, you guys.

-Speaking of Seinfeld, what did they do with his apartment set after the show finished? Where is it? Did they dismantle it? Auction it off? Is it sitting in a backlot in Hollywood someplace? Is it in a museum?

-Also speaking of Seinfeld, I am very disturbed by all the "new" sitcoms coming to the CW this fall. If they Conan Seinfeld, I will Chris Brown the CW.


-This was not on my list, but I miss Conan. A lot. And now he has a show ON CABLE. THANKS, COCO.

-Also, OMG, STOP comparing Lindsay Lohan and Robert Downey Jr. I will scream if I hear this comparison made one more time. Okay, here's the thing. RDJ actually SERVED his time in prison. I'm betting LL will pull a Paris and spend like, 8 nights there. Then, when he got out, he STILL wasn't better. He had to get to that place HIMSELF. And that takes guts I just don't think Lindsay has. Not yet. She might get there, and I hope she does, because I do think she has a smidgen of talent. Not as much as the media says, but it IS there. And I don't want her to die or anything. Just...STOP, okay? It's not the same.

-What is "Despicable Me" about?? Why "despicable?" What's the plot? Who are the little yellow Mr. Blick's in goggles and overalls? Steve Carrell? WHAT IS THIS MOVIE ABOUT?!? WHAT!!!WHAT!!!!

-On a very serious note, all this oil spill stuff is making me SO angry. I can't even really get into it, because I think it'd be a whole other blog post. But it just makes me want to cry that the ILLUSTRIOUS powers that be are doing NOTHING to help this crisis. Because it IS a crisis. And it's global. For now, it's local. But do you REALLY think that if nothing is done, and that STUPID HOLE keeps chugging out THOUSANDS of barrells of oil a day that it ISN'T going to affect the global market eventually? NOT TO MENTION, Y'KNOW, THE OCEAN!??! It just really makes me angry. Maybe it's because I grew up 40 minutes away from the ocean in any direction, but I feel a really special connection to the seas and stuff, and I'm OUTRAGED that so little is being done. It's only a matter of time, guys, and WAY too much has been wasted already.

I'm looking up VALID ways to help out, and once I conclude my research, I'll post my findings here.


Sorry that ended on such a depressing note. Hmm. OH I KNOW. Here's a video I can't believe I wasn't aware of until I saw it on Jimmy Fallon last night.



THIS is one of those things I spent about 15 minutes SOLID cracking up over, and I don't think it will ever NOT be funny. Kinda like the Sneezing Panda. Ahh...laughter is the best medicine, you know.

Got milk?

I don't know why after 20-something years, I still wake up and think, "Yes, today I think I'll eat all the dairy I want and NOT get sick. TODAY WILL BE THE DAY."

Note to self: You will get sick. Every. Single. Time.