Great White Snark: It's my FAAAVORITE THIIIINGS!

Monday, January 9, 2012


You have to read the title in the manic Oprah voice.

So every year, Oprah would do this show called her Favorite Things wherein she'd give everyone in the audience a veritable treasure trove of stuff. And while I was sick (the first time, I'm sick again now. Should've asked Santa for a new body that was healthier) I watched my first one.

Now, I generally can't stand Oprah. But when I flipped channels and it was her last Favorite Things episode, I HAD to watch because of all the great spoofs that've been made of it. And they are DEADLY accurate.

So then I was like, "Omg, I could do a Favorite Things blog post of all the stuff I'd give out if I was Oprah!" So that's precisely what I'm going to do.


The first thing I'd give away would be Lush Dream Cream, because this is hands-down my favorite lotion for ANYTHING. There are claims that it cures everything from minor cuts to eczema and it's completely, 100% natural. You can use it on everything from hands to legs to the sensitive eye area and it does AMAZINGLY. Some people are put off by the smell, but I personally love it (roses and lavender!) and I think the results would outweigh any displeasure from the odor.

And to go with it, I'd give away... three favorite Lush soaps!
I'd give away 13 (Unlucky for Dirt) Soap because it's naturally antibacterial. At first I despised the smell--roses and oregano! Seriously?? But it gets rid of germs and rinses off so cleanly, and ultimately I ended up liking it. Spicy and floral aren't usually mixed together, but it's kind of a sweet combination!
I'd also give away Sexy Peel, because it's like you split open dozens of oranges and lemons inside your shower. It smells so refreshing and invigorating! It's got little pieces of orange peel in it, which sounds like you're washing with garbage but it doesn't feel that way at all. It's very clean. I absolutely love this soap. And it's perfect for ladies AND gents, just like 13!
And lastly, I'd give away 17 Cherry Tree Lane, not only because I love the name (and Mary Poppins, of course!), but it's probably my favorite Lush scent. It's like a soft, sweet jasmine floral with just a hint of spiciness. It's also got the gratuitous "spoonful of sugar" thrown into the mix...what's not to love?

Oprah usually gives out diamonds and like, real bling, but since I don't own any of that, I'd give out something I DO have and love. I bought myself these Brighton earrings as a graduation present, and I adore them! The lever backs are by and large the most comfortable, and I do love Brighton. I almost exclusively wear silver (not that I hate gold, I just think silver looks better with my coloring), and Brighton is my favorite "drug of choice" when it comes to silver. It's thick, heavy and long-lasting. But the earrings themselves aren't heavy to wear. I also like the faux diamond because it's just enough bling to add a little fabulosity to your everyday.

I would absolutely give every person in my audience Star Wars on DVD. These ones are the ones I own and they come with the unretouched theatrical editions, too, which I think is important. I'm not against the changes George Lucas made, but I watched the originals obsessively before the re-releases came out, so those were the ones I was used to. I can still point out every change he made and tell you what happened in the originals. So yeah, I think I'd like everyone to have these, especially people who grew up watching the re-released versions just so they could see the originals for themselves.
Also, Star Wars has shaped my ideas on right and wrong, death, morality, duty, and friendship more than I'd care to admit. So while Oprah lauds Eckhart Tolle, I recommend Luke Skywalker.

If you've never tried Peterbrooke's Chocolate Popcorn, you have not lived. This stuff is the single most delectable treat I think I've ever had. I am a MAJOR fan of the sweet/salty combo, and this stuff hits the spot 100%. Also, Oprah always gives out some kind of food (she gave out chicken pies on the episode I saw. CHICKEN. PIES.), so here you go.

I very honestly believe laughter is the best medicine for all kinds of ills, so I'd give everyone the Best of Jimmy Fallon SNL DVD. Saturday Night Live is (almost) always funny to me, and I love Jimmy Fallon, so this is two birds with one stone!

You'd also get a Team Coco T-Shirt because while Jimmy Fallon is funny, no one holds a candle to Conan. And if I was Oprah, the first person I'd reach out to befriend as celeb BFF's would be Conan. You better believe it.

It is my firm belief that every woman should own something luxurious...or even something that makes her feel luxurious. There is something innately female about feeling glamorous, and the person who I feel best encapsulates that feminine vigor is Betsey Johnson. Everyone in my audience would go home with a Betsey Johnson Wallet and a sample of her new fragrance, Too Too, because a little luxe goes a long way. And perfume isn't universal. I like this one better than her original (even if the original's packaging is WAYYY better), but that's not everyone's opinion. So you get a trial size. CHEAP OPRAH.

Since these shows happen around the holidays, I felt obligated to give something Christmassy or seasonal. So I chose this Pashmina Scarf from Target. YES, TARGET, OKAY?? I'm not ACTUALLY Oprah! Anyway, I have this scarf in a few colors and I love it because it's WAY bigger than it looks, so it can double as a wrap or shawl. And there are loads of different ways to tie it, and it's so soft. You'd get it in red, like Mattie Silver (and if you haven't read Ethan Frome, you really need to because it's a beautiful story and not all about sex as my brother would tell you).

SPEAKING OF READING (and don't pretend like you weren't expecting this), I'd give my audience a collection of my favorite or most-inspiring books.
Pride and Prejudice is my blanket-statement favorite book (though it ties with Wuthering Heights...P&P is just so much more cheerful), so you'd definitely get that.
I maintain that reading Sherlock Holmes drew me out of one of the severest depressions of my life, and I can't thank him enough for that. The stories are incredible (and short! Perfect for cozying up with before bed) and kind of changed the way I observe the world around me.
Little House in the Big Woods was my gateway drug to reading. My Mom used to read that series to me when I was little, and it was the absolute highlight of my day. I've since re-read them as an adult, and they are such quality stories! And it's fascinating to me because the books are steeped in fact--that stuff actually happened. So this one's definitely one of the top influential books in my life, and I'd like to pass it on to everyone to either read for themselves or gift to a kid they know.
This is such a cop-out, but I'd give everyone the first Harry Potter, just to get them going on it. And I'd give away the adult cover ones so you don't feel like a fool reading it in public.
No-Fear Shakespeare is such a great tool, and not just for students! They have the original text of the play on one page and then the "real English" translation on the cool! So you can actually blast your way through Hamlet without getting tripped up by the language. And while Hamlet is arguably Shakespeare's best play (and probably my favorite from a literary standpoint), Midsummer Night's Dream is my favorite story, so I'd give that one away.
I know I've already talked about Yes Man, but this was one of those books that sticks with you and I really believe it's a life-changing story. So I'd want everyone to read it. It's hilarious, too, and that never hurts. :)
I just finished reading The Sugar Queen by Sarah Addison Allen, and I could NOT put it down. I finished it in two nights. And it was so good! Allen almost always uses food as a motiff in her writing, but it takes center stage in this novel. This book is like eating dessert--it takes place in the modern world but has a touch of magic (her books always do...think the movie "Practical Magic") and a hint of Southern gothic. It's really a treasure of a book, and had a message that was so relevant to me and where I am at this point in my life. Loved it.
And finally, I'd give everyone a copy of The Duchess, because this book changed the way I feel and think about being a woman, especially in today's world. Georgiana of Devonshire was CENTURIES ahead of her time and trapped cruelly in a society which caged her in a loveless and faithless marriage. She was brilliant, beautiful, and brave, and really an inspiration to me. She's up there with my Favorite People of All Time. She was also a pal of Marie Antoinette's, so if you love that era or history or women or ANYTHING, you've got to read this book. It's a historical non-fiction that reads like fiction...I couldn't put it down and it hasn't left me yet.

I would definitely give everyone gift cards to Plato's Closet and TJ Maxx, just because money goes further there than anywhere else. You can score designer stuff for wayyy less than retail price at TJ Maxx, and I believe in Plato's as a company. I like that people can recycle their clothing as opposed to filling landfills with them, and it's an affordable way to keep your wardrobe current. So, happy shopping!

Everyone gets a throw blanket with whales on it because I have one and love it and it's super cozy.
That really doesn't merit any other description.

Oprah usually gives away something kitchen-y, but since I'm an absolute domestic failure, I'd give away Tervis Tumblers! I LOVE these cups! They're insulated and can keep hot or cold beverages the right temperature for HOURS. You can customize them, too, with whatever name or images you want. And they have a lifetime guarantee, so if yours gets crapped up all you have to do is mail it to the factory (there's one in Fort Myers!), and they'll send you a new one, free of charge. They're AWESOME.

And lastly, I FINALLY got a REAL Coach bag this year and it is by far the best bag I've ever owned. The classic Coach monogram is timeless and goes with everything. The size and style of this bag is ideal for everyday use as it's big enough to hold your essentials (and a book!), but small enough to carry around with you. The leatherwork and stitching are the eye of the beholder (aka: me), these bags are works of art. So everyone would DEFINITELY get one!


Seriously though.
Hope you enjoyed the list!

1 comment:

  1. I do love this list... Especially the chocolate covered popcorn part. Seriously the most amazing idea ever. And I've recently become obsessed with having blankets around me and in every room of our apartment (that's right, all two of them). That whale blanket is brilliant. If I were at your show and got to have your favorite things, I'm sure much hysteria would ensue. Well done.