You've lost your muchness.

(Image credit with help from PhotoFunia.)

I feel as though, lately, I've lost my muchness. I can't really describe what "muchness" is, but I think everyone has a general idea of what it means to them.

I've been coasting lately. I'm terribly complacent with my life, which isn't the most terrible thing ever, but I dislike it. I don't like feeling just "okay." The other day I was trying to verbalize what was wrong or missing in my life, and the word that came to mind was "inspiration." There is nothing around me that inspires me. I'm stuck listening to the same old songs, seeing the same few people, going the same places...there is very little "scope for the imagination," as Anne of Green Gables put it.





I figured with my lack of inspiration, and therefore decent blog posts worth reading, it was time for me to be completely honest with you, my readers. I feel like lately my blog's been a lot of BS, and I HATE that because when I started it I never wanted it to end up at that place. And it has.

When I started this blog, I made two Cardinal Rules which were never to be broken:
1. Do not blog about family.
2. Do not blog about work.
I've held to those pretty well. I don't write about family (apart from the odd mention or quote here and there) because I love them, and my extended family reads this, too, and I'd hate to inadvertently offend or overexpose someone. Also, it's really none of your business whatsoever what my family does.
And I NEVER complain about work on this blog unless it's something that I've brought to my boss's attention. If you can't bring a complaint to the higher-ups, then you either have a) a crappy boss or b) an illegitimate complaint. I know people who've complained online about their jobs and then promptly lost them. And I DON'T want that to happen to me.

Herein lies the problem: my life, right now, is centered around family and work. My friends all live far away, so I rarely get to hang out with them even though we talk daily. The only places I really go are work, church, and errand-running. I have an incredibly active imagination which usually serves me very well as far as inventing things to write about. But lately, my imagination has been dormant. I imagine it to be like a fat guy who hasn't had the proper diet and exercise--it's there, it's just being terribly lazy and not getting the right treatment. Which is all my fault.


We've also had some trying times family-wise which have taken up a lot of my time and mental space right now. I won't get into the nitty-gritty, but on Christmas Day, we got a call that my grandma had been admitted to the hospital in North Carolina. She's lived alone on a mountain since my grandpa died 15 years ago, so we've always been concerned. The day after Christmas, my Mom and Dad drove up and brought her back here, presumably to live with us. After a day or so, she had another bad turn and ended up in the hospital here. She was just released on Tuesday into a nursing and rehabilitation center down the road. She won't be returning to NC and will probably be in this area in some sort of assisted living facility for the rest of her life.

This, naturally, has been extremely trying for my family. However, I feel better about her being here. As she gets older, it's simply not SAFE for her to be alone in a massive forest (it's not safe for anyone, really, regardless of age), and it'll be better for her to be here getting the care she needs and deserves. Also, we get to see her more, which makes us all happy. :)
But it has been hard the last couple of weeks, especially on my mom. If I've been quiet around here it's because I've been doing all I can to help out my family. Seriously, I'll be 23 in two months and I don't pay rent. The least I can do is help out.

I've also been fighting the world's most epic flu/sinus infection during all of this. I had a fever of about 101 for three days straight and felt absolutely MISERABLE--like, to the point where I couldn't even watch TV. You KNOW you're sick when you can't even rot your brain properly.

So that's why things have been quiet here in the Sea of Snark. I beg your understanding, dear Readers. I know you're a forgiving lot. :)




So ANYWAY, while I don't condone making New Year's Resolutions, my resolve this year (in between looking for a career to jump-start my so-called adult life, helping my family through their transitional time, and generally being awesome) is to find something I'm really passionate about. It'll probably be something totally stupid. But if it makes my heart race when I'm doing it and if I think about it when I'm not, I'll know I've found it. I want to find something that inspires me; something that inspires me to write again.

I thank you all for bearing with me on this journey and for reading my blog even through the awful dry patches. You guys are the BEST and I appreciate each and every one of you!


For further reading, Miss Gala Darling has, once again, a perfectly timed article on regaining your "spark." Or, "muchness" as the case may be. ;)

(Image credit.)