Happy New Whatever.

So, it's 2013. New Year's.

I actually dislike New Year's. I wish I was one of those people who scintillates optimism at the turning of the years, but I don't. I sit there and I'm like, "Okay. I'm another year older, another year I'm still not doing all the grand and glorious things I thought I'd be doing," etc. I just get down on myself because instead of being able to see the things I DID accomplish, I tend to notice the things that still lie beyond my grasp. 

I wish I saw New Year's like this, but mostly I see it like this:

I also dislike the making of resolutions, but I'll list the things I'd like to change anyway. For posterity and all. 

• Be more forgiving. Forgiveness is a theme that's been weighing heavily on my mind, and I can't seem to escape it (went to church this morning, and BOOM. The message was forgiveness). I'm such a bitter person (my name literally means "bitter," so I can't escape that, either). I'll hold a grudge until the day I die. I still get worked up about crap that happened to me IN MY CHILDHOOD, not to mention the more recent things. So this year, I want to work on forgiving and letting go of the things that still hurt me. I won't forget. Like Mr. Darcy, "My good opinion, once lost, is lost forever," but I can work on letting go of negativity that no longer serves me, and probably never did in the first place. 
• Write. I have stories that I absolutely NEED to finish. Especially one. I've conceived every part of it except the title. And actually, it goes along a lot with the forgiveness. Writing is therapeutic, but like therapy, it's hard. Writing, particularly what I want to write, is like drawing venom from a wound. The story is boiling over, seething from every pore, and I need to get it out, no matter how unpleasant the experience may be. By this time next year, I'd like to have it finished. 
• All that stuff about being more fiscally responsible and eating better and exercising more. Who doesn't make these resolutions, though? If intention could make me thin, healthy, and rich, I'd be freaking Scarlet Johansson (without the nude pics). Alas. 

Clearly, I'm fighting with my pessimistic self. When people ask, "Are you an optimist or a pessimist?" I never really know how to answer. "Recovering pessimist" seems to work most times. But I'm relapsing on the day of the year when you're supposed to be most optimistic. Forgive me for not being all glittery and excited, but I do sincerely hope that the New Year brings all of us what we're looking for. And if it doesn't, then I hope we're at least a little enriched by the journey of searching all the same.