Harry Potter according to...

(Regrettably, I take ZERO credit for this. I stumbled upon it and wanted to re-blog, so courtesy of this Tumblr, this is the Harry Potter books according to different characters. RIOTOUSLY funny.)

Harry Potter According To:

Sirius Black

1. Sirius Black and the prison fun.
2. Sirius Black and the prison fun.
3. Sirius Black and the reunited with my werewolf boyfriend.
4. Sirius Black and the playtime fun with my werewolf boyfriend.
5. Sirius Black and the who is this girl hitting on my werewolf boyfriend I should. kill her but I die have fun with my werewolf boyfriend you bitch.
6. Sirius Black and the I am dead.

Neville Longbottom

1. Neville and Being Badass.
2. Neville and Being Badass.
3. Neville and Being Badass.
4. Neville and Being Badass.
5. Neville and Being Badass.
6. Neville and Being Badass
7. Neville and Being EXTREMELY Badass.

Filch

1. Filch and the Year Hogwarts Started to go to Hell.
2. Filch and MY CAT IS PETRIFIED!
3. Filch and Nothing Significant.
4. Filch and I Hate Cleaning Up After Other Schools.
5. Filch and I Love Umbridge.
6. Filch and Umbridge Isn’t Here Anymore.
7. Filch and Half the Castle’s Destroyed, I Might As Well Quit.

Severus Snape

1. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by Quirrel .
2. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by a book.
3. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by a f*cking dog.
4. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by the former rat.
5. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by Umbridge.
6. Severus Snape and the year I had to keep that little kid from getting killed by the other death eaters.
7. Severus Snape and the year I died trying to keep that little kid safe.

Hedwig

1. Hedwig and F*ck Yes Harry Potter Owns Me.
2. Hedwig and I’m a F*cking Owl.
3. Hedwig and I’m Still an Owl.
4. Hedwig and HERMIONE’S NOT AN OWL.
5. Hedwig and Life Is Pretty Great As An Owl.
6. Hedwig and That Pigwidgeon Is Really Starting To Annoy The Piss Out Of Me.
7. Hedwig and SH*T SH*T C*CKSUCKER I’M DEAD.

Ron Weasley

1. Ron Weasley and the F*cking Three Headed Dog.
2. Ron Weasley and the Possessed Sister.
3. Ron Weasley and the Rat That Isn’t A Rat.
4. Ron Weasley and the Green Monster of Jealousy.
5. Ron Weasley and the Year of Quidditch.
6. Ron Weasley and the Girl Drama.
7. Ron Weasley and the Wooing of Hermione Granger.

Hermione Granger

1. Hermione Granger and the Levi-OH-sa.
2. Hermione Granger and the turning into a cat then getting petrified.
3. Hermione Granger and the art of overachieving.
4. Hermione Granger and the fact that boys suddenly love her.
5. Hermione Granger and bickering with Ron.
6. Hermione Granger and the Bitch named Lavender Brown.
7. Hermione Granger and the reluctant falling for Ron Weasley.

Cedric Diggory

1. Cedric and That Time He Found Something.
2. Cedric and That Time He Found Something.
3. Cedric and That Time He Found Something.
4. Cedric and That Time He Died.

Dumbledore

1. Dumbledore and the Oh Sh*t He’s at Hogwarts Now.
2. Dumbledore and the Oh Sh*t Tom Riddle’s at it Again.
3. Dumbledore and the I Am Totally Allowing Two Teenagers To Save A Convicted Murderer Even Though I Don’t Know For Sure He’s Innocent.
4. Dumbledore and the DID YOU PUT YOUR NAME IN THE GOBLET OF FIYAH?
5. Dumbledore and the Harry’s Angsty, Time to Leave Him Alone.
6. Dumbledore and the I’ll Have Secret Lessons with Harry While I Wait for My Cursed Hand to Kill Me.
7. Dumbledore and the Wait, You Guys Aren’t Supposed to Know About My Past.

Voldemort

1. Lord Voldemort and that time I picked the wrong head to chill on.
2. Lord Voldemort and that time he killed my snake.
3. Lord Voldemort and the time I was not around.
4. Lord Voldemort and that time I killed some spare.
5. Lord Voldemort and the time I hung out in the Ministry.
6. Lord Voldemort and that time that I wasn’t there but Snape Killed Dumbledore.
7. Lord Voldemort and the time he and his friends kicked my ass.

Fred and George

1. Fred and George and the time we confused our Mum.
2. Fred and George and the time we flew a car.
3. Fred and George and the time we gave Harry the Marauder’s Map.
4. Fred and George and the time we got given 1,000 galleons.
5. Fred and George and the time we owned Umbridge.
6. Fred and George and the time we opened a joke shop.
7. Fred and George and the time one of us lost an ear and the other died.

Lucius Malfoy

1. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
2. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
3. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
4. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
5. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
6. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.
7. Lucius Malfoy and the Things He Heard About.

ME

1. Harry Potter and the year I became addicted.
2. Harry Potter and the year I discover wizard classism.
3. Harry Potter and the year I fell in love with his parents & their friends.
4. Harry Potter and the year Voldemort came back.
5. Harry Potter and the year I realize the ministry blows.
6. Harry Potter and the year I discover why nobody could just f*cking kill Voldemort and be done with it.
7. Harry Potter and the year when sh*t got real.


Clever, right??