Great White Snark: Christmas SNARK!

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Christmas SNARK!

The following is a beautiful bit of holiday Snark from my friend and fellow blogger, the Flying Film-maker from over at Cape and Goggles. He wrote it a while back and it was just so perfectly fitting for the Sea of Snark that I couldn't help but coerce him into letting me share. Enjoy!

Fear and Mass Hysteria

Whenever the Thanksgiving plates are finally tucked away in their cupboards and the turkey carcass is unceremoniously laid to rest in a trash bag, the common person begins to listen for the sweet songs of the soon-to-be-overplayed Christmas repertoire. Everyone expects to soon see the festival lights come out of their dust-ridden boxes, the wreaths shaken in place on the doorframe, and the inevitable unwritten (and usually unspoken) contest between neighbors over whose house is the “Christmasiest.” To make matters even cheerier, children, and even some adults, tend to become a little more demanding and greedy than usual, which is of no surprise. But the cause for concern over such matters is that the hysteria over the holiday season has grown to such an incredibly ridiculous level, that it is no wonder to step back and think about how dispirited “the most wonderful time of the year” has become.

Shopping is perhaps the biggest target during this particular season. With other celebrations such as Halloween and Easter, the common customer and commercialism supporter needs only to worry about whether their intended items are of a reasonable price and whether or not said items are actually meaningful to the occasion. Also, there are not as many frantic stampedes to hurry in search of a costume, bag of candy, or a lovely decoration to use for a good twenty-four hours. Let’s face it- none of the other holidays come even close in terms of specialty stores dedicated to that certain holiday, and there is not as much emphasis placed on the rest of the special times of the year. Seriously, has there been any radio station that plays constant Halloween music during the month of October?

Thus, Christmas. Since not enough money has evidently been spent on any other day of the year, why not start now? Forget the fact that your child now trots around in an $80 costume- now is the time to spend some real money! Christmas has become the perfect scapegoat in terms of having a valid excuse to go shopping at five in the morning (four if you have a teenage girl with you). Keep in mind that these are probably the same people who laugh at the “nerds” who wait outside theaters for the next movie sequel. Because every person in the world now has a reason to finally “shop until they drop,” it can only mean one thing- “shopper’s rage.”

No longer can Christmas be viewed as the jolliest time of the year- people are scared to death now to travel to a nearby Wal-Mart on the weekends, simply due to the acts that certain crazed customers tend to perform when eager to get their grubby hands on the latest and greatest toys and merchandise (notice how three new gaming systems were all released this same year and close to Christmas. Coincidentally, of course.). Naturally, the fear of this type of aggression is only increased by the editorials written in newspapers and pasted onto web-pages for all to see, screaming titles of “Shoppers Go Mad; Season Off to Bad Start.” Like it never is?

Even though the media tends to over exaggerate these events most times, there is some truth to the dilemma. There are quite a few parents nowadays that will go to almost any length to claim just one toy (that’s ONE) for their beloved child to open and play with for a grand total of two months before it is forgotten and they begin writing their toilet-paper-roll-long list for the next Christmas to come. How wonderful. There have even been some real stories of certain people that frantically rush into the stores, yet end up trampling over each other, causing serious physical injury to those stuck underneath the wheels of the flood of red shopping carts, parading the almost-psychotic nature of those that refuse to stop and help even one customer. Seasons of good tidings have suddenly become seasons of free-for-all.

To see how demoralizing and just plain low the Christmas season has really become, compare today’s tales of the common celebrator to the wonderful stories you hear of happy families nestled around a cozy fire, fresh cookies in the oven, the family dog resting peacefully on the couch, the tree lit aglow with bright white electric lights, with popcorn strings swirled about it, and the warm, still peace that comes from a truly joyful home…fifty years ago. As the years have passed, it is obvious that the overall celebration with family, creating true cause for love and joy, has morbidly shrunk. Santa Claus, the patron saint of selfish children, is now the icon displayed as the meaning for the whole season, thus causing the younger generations to wonder whether “It’s A Wonderful Life” is some silly secret that only grown-ups talk about and understand, or possibly conclude that it is simply an advanced version of the classic Milton Bradley board game.

This fear over the pandemonium and severe stress caused by these rabid holiday shoppers is perfectly logical. There is reason to be concerned about the well-being of the common man during Christmas, and it is no surprise that the “most wonderful time of the year” has now become colder than Jack Frost sitting inside a freezer box in Antarctica during a snow storm. At least, that’s how it seems to be (until I get my presents).

{Like this? Check out his blog (linked above).}

ETA: Tomorrow I get my wisdom teeth out. For all of you who asked, no, I will not video/liveblog myself coming out of anesthesia. Thanks for asking you sick freaks. I'd like to do one more Christmas post before the actual day, but regardless, I hope you all have a MAGNIFICENT Christmas weekend, Dearest Readers! Enjoy!

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